Once again, this is satire. Read and enjoy if you like.
"Ho Ho Ho! I Got An E-Mail From Dick Cheney (While He Was Killing Birds)! Pa rum pum pum pum!"
December 12, 2003
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot
Ho! Ho! Ho! This has certainly been a busy week for patriots everywhere, including Our Great President, between work at the fish store by day and actually touching the trees by night at Namib's Jolly Holiday House of Merry Xmas Tree Lot, where our motto is "You shook the needles off, you bought it." (We are now in the vacant lot on Cleveland Street next to the sporting goods store that went out of business.) Not that our President is doing that, but I am sure he is as busy as I am and I bet his hands haven't broken out like mine have, although I doubt it was from the trees. That is just envirowhacko hysteria about toxic waste of the worst sort, although even Namib thinks I should wear gloves from now on.
And what a valuable lesson he has taught the tyrants who rule Canada, Germany and the nation formerly known as France but now known as Freedom! Maybe now that they have been shut out of getting contracts to rebuild Iraq after we went to war (and you cannot prove Our Great President ever said there was a reason to go to war) they will learn next time not to ask question but to just join in the fun of bombing and shooting at people.
And yes, the day after he announced they would not have contracts, he had to get on the phone to ask the leaders of those countries to forgive the debt of Iraq. But I am sure they did not hold it against him, since they realized what a generous and kind person George W. is.
Meanwhile who is not almost wetting themselves with excitement over the news that Our Greatest Bestest President EVER Ronald Reagan is going to be on the dime? (And that was from snow on the trees and you cannot prove otherwise Mr. LIEberal, so there!)
It is wonderful to think that from now on whenever starry-eyed schoolkids look at one thin dime they will think proudly of how Ronald Reagan sold arms to the Ayatolla secretly so he could help the contras fight bravely against subversive nuns and peasants. And who can forget how he put a wreath on those graves in Bitburg and said "Mister Gorbachev, catsup IS a vegetable." It is a proud legacy that you cannot actually prove he was responsible for, and anyway the Great Father of Our President pardoned those people which was not a scandal so stop saying that.
I was proud to of fought with Ronald Reagan against the tyrants of Grenada when they threatened our freedom, and whenever I have a headache or muscle pain I still take Boraxo. That is what he means to me. Amen.
The move to put Reagan's face on the dime is spinheaded by Congressman Mark Souder of Indiana. He said that he thought Ronald Reagan should be on the dime because he (not Mark Souder but Ronald Reagan) "was wounded Š by a bullet that had ricocheted and flattened to the size of a dime." I am sure Mark Souder joins me in wishing that Our Greatest Bestest President EVER had been luckier when he had got shot and that the bullet hole had been the size of a quarter or even a silver dollar, but we have to take what we can get, dammit.
Meanwhile, it is not true that you will have to ask Nancy Reagan which side of the dime is heads everytime you see it. That is Mrs. Brown Rosenfeld who thinks she is funny but she is not, even if Secret Serivce Agent Brown laughed to be polite.
Having Our Greatest Bestest President EVER on the dime will be a telling blow against America's enemies, who had the nerve to make a TV movie about Ronald Reagan that dared to mention how right he was to say God was punishing homosexuals for being evil by giving them aids. People like me know what he meant, and so there is no reason to mention out loud that he ever said it.
Speaking of people like me, guess who I got a e-mail from? You will never guess in a million years so I will tell you. It is Dick Cheney, Our Great Vice President who has not got indicted yet, who has taken time from hiding in an undisclosed location (and not from subpoenas either), and meeting behind closed doors with people who there is no reason for anyone to ask who they are, to write me this:
Dear Bob,
The election year begins today.
Next November our fellow Americans will go to the polls to elect the President of the United States and to chart the course of our nation. Yet for people like us, Bob, working to elect our nation's leaders is not something that happens once every four or even every two years. You and I take this responsibility seriously every day.
And like President Bush, we know that our vigilance is the price we pay to ensure our liberty and freedoms.
That's why I am writing you today -- one year from the election. First, I want to thank you again for all you have done for President Bush, our Party and our nation over the years.
But second, I am writing to ask you personally to support the President's reelection.
I ask you to please send your 2004 One Year Out contribution of $204, $104, or even $54 to join the Bush-Cheney '04 team today.
Not a single day has passed that the Democratic presidential candidates, the Democratic Party and their liberal allies haven't called into question the President's character, his veracity, even the President's leadership on the War on Terrorism.
Our choices are clear. Bob, if you believe President Bush is the right man for the challenges that America faces today, please join the Bush-Cheney team with your contribution of $204, $104, or $54 today. Your support is needed to ensure we have the means to share the President's message with the American people and correct the Democrats' mischaracterization of the Bush-Cheney record.
Sincerely,
Dick Cheney
Not Sent at Taxpayers' Expense
Paid for by Bush-Cheney '04 Inc.
Contributions to Bush Cheney '04, Inc. are not tax deductible for federal income tax purposes. Bush-Cheney '04, Inc. will post the name, city, state, occupation, employer and donation amounts of everyone who contributes $1 or more to President Bush's re-election efforts on GeorgeWBush.com as provided to us. Federal law requires us to obtain and report the mailing address, occupation and name of the individuals whose contributions exceed $200 per election cycle. An individual's contribution limit to Bush-Cheney '04, Inc. is $2000.00. Funds received in response to this solicitation will be subject to federal contribution limits. Contributions from corporations, government contractors, foreign nationals without a "green card," and minors (individuals under the age of 18) are prohibited. Batteries not included. By participating, participants release and hold harmless the Republican Party, its directors, employees, and agents from any and against any and all liability or any injury, loss or damage of any kind arising from participation. May cause drowsiness. All rights reseved. You Assume All Risk Associated with Use of This President. In no event shall Trireme Partners, Halliburton, Bechtel or Carlyle Investment Partners and/or its respective affiliates be liable for any special, indirect or consequential damages or any damages whatsoever resulting from incompetence, corruption, malfeasance, war, pestilence or famine arising out of or in connection with this Administration. Please discard the inedible freshness product enclosed.
What a thrill it was to get that e-mail especially since he had to interrupt killing birds to send it.
I wrote back:
Dear Vice President Dick:
Thank you for your e-mail, which I am too allowed in the library to read despite the smell! The blood of patriot guns cries for liberty, as Thomas Jefferson should of said!
I have no money as I am a poor boy too, parumpumpum, but I have a gift like the little drumhead boy in the Bible. I have wrote a song for the campaign, and in keeping with the season, it goes to the tune of "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, riding Santa Claus lane!"
It goes:
"George Bush and Cheney too
George Bush and Cheney too
Vote George Bush and Cheney too please
He is not a miserable failure
No matter what smart people say
You cannot prove he ever said
There was a reason for war in Iraq
Hang your stockings and say your prayers,
George Bush and Cheney too
Second verse:
George Bush and Cheney too
George Bush and Cheney too
Vote George Bush and Cheney too please
Ashcroft and Ridge and Concertina Rice
Pulling on the rains
No one remembers Osama
All is merry and bright
Don't forget people's votes don't count
George Bush and Cheney too"
I realize it doesn't quite fit the music but if you sing it out loud a few hundred times like I have, it almost does. Please show it to John Ashcroft and ask him if he would like to make that almost as big a hit as "The Eagle is Sore!"
Your friend
Bob Boudelang
P.S.: If there is any money in it for me, let me know.
So far I have not got an answer, but I keep hoping. In the mean time I sing it at the tree lot. It was when I started singing that Namib suggested I might need gloves.
So let us have less of this Democrap leftist Peace on Earth propaganda and more support for Our Great President and his war which is not a disaster so stop saying that. Pa rum pum pum pum!
