Thanks for the kind words. They mean a whole lot to me and I really aint just saying that.
OK, yeah… where was I?
Basically I’m feeling better about things, myself, and my future than I probably ever have. What’s working for me isn’t really anything much to do with the 12 Steps (although they really are a brilliant piece of work) or the meetings. These were good, but they just didn’t quite do it (or weren’t enough) for me.
Just to backtrack briefly; I’ve been out of college for about 8 years and have had a pretty steady career as a graphic designer, interspersed with moves from Calgary to NYC and from NYC to Vancouver. In all that time I’ve really struggled with…. uh lessee… things like peace of mind, self esteem, boredom, meaning of life type stuff, and just generally trying to eke some kind of happiness out of the drudgery and routine of day to day living.
And I started drinkin’. Kind of a lot. OK really a lot. Despite the fact that I could manage my life somewhat fine despite this, it ended up making me feel like *****, So I’d drink some more. Which caused me to feel like *****. So I’d drink some more. Yada.
Eventually I happened upon the really bad stuff and it was a match made in heaven… which finally took me out in just shy of a year. I really do count my blessings that it ended up playing out this way, for I could have gone on a really long time with life as it was… and it was a joke, really. This is probably going to sound goofy…
No. For sure it is… but… Purely in the Name of Science I’ll try as best as I can to describe what this experience has done for me and how it’s working.
What’s turned my head around and changed my life is a combination of cognitive therapy, Buddhism, Taoism, and the essence of the 12 steps. I had no moral compass, no sense of spirituality, no discipline, no regard for myself, no alotta stuff.
I don’t yet know what God means to me nor what shape it takes nor what powers it has, but I’m starting to try and define these things. I am completely shocked (as a lifetime agnostic?) at how profoundly this has changed my outlook on just about everything. There was a huge void in my life and unbeknownst to me this… erhm… spiritual awakening has filled it. Cultivating it and fine-tuning it as I go through life is an exciting prospect for me.
Working in the foodline also really helped. It just feels really damn great to help the other sorry sons ‘o ******es. Whodda thunk it. I guess it just takes me out of myself somehow. Volunteering on a regular basis is something I’m going to be doing for the foreseeable future.
Buddhism is really helping in a lot of ways. It makes me question how I define myself and how much of a problem this can be. To rid oneself of one’s ego and self-centeredness… is liberating. AA talks about ‘one day at a time’. Buddhism is about experiencing each individual moment at a time. Actually there’s tons of good stuff there. When I get really jacked-in to this kind of thinking it creates a sort of buzz that drugs would only wreck.
What else? Virtue. Doing the right thing, as best as I can, and as often as I possibly can. This is also very liberating. It’s more than ‘don’t lie steal or cheat’. It’s about not cutting any corners whatsoever. I’ve made amends for my past failings. To myself and to others. From here on out I am honest in all my affairs and I pick up trash that aint even mine. I’ve got no guilt, no shame, no fear - not even slightly - and I don’t have to apologize to nobody. That, my friends, is freedom. If you wrong me, you’re forgiven. I don’t need that baggage either.
Lack of booze/drugs. Goes without saying that heroin and the rest of the drugs are out. I’ll have the odd drink though. Thing is, I don’t really want to, or see the use anymore. I used to think that to have those really crazy shrecked up good times you had to be right smashed somehow. I’ve got a few pretty insane sober moments under my belt now to know better than that. Twice now I’ve had a glass of wine with dinner, and I could hardly see the point. Was like (in my head) “What is this supposed to be doing for me and why would I need it? So I can feel comfortable talking to you?” There’s something wrong with that somehow. Like I said, I might have a drink from time to time. I don’t know. I didn’t end up finishing those glasses of wine however.
Physical health. I’ve now quit smoking, I jog almost every day and I go to the gym at least four times a week. Works wonders for the self-esteem and confidence but more importantly I just feel better all around by doing it.
Balance. Not much to say here. Work, play, mental health, physical health… Needs to be balanced.
Discipline. If the cap is left off the toothpaste, and if the dishes start to stack up, and if I start letting the answering machine take my calls… something needs fixing somewhere. Complacency is like being covered in molasses. The more you let things slide, the harder it becomes to break out of, the less you feel capable of handling the problems, and the bigger the problems become.
Cognitive therapy. Basically… your thoughts control your emotions, which dictate your actions. There are many ways to interpret anything that happens. You are not at the mercy of your feelings. Changing how you think about something will change how you feel about it. It makes being happy a choice… and really it’s a no-brainer. I’m not exaggerating when I say that you could put me into some really bleak scenario and the odds are I’m gonna be able to be content with it.
But don’t get me wrong… I’ll still try and change things for the better. I’ve often thought that contentment and inner peace would dull any sort of passion I’ve got for things, but it doesn’t work like that at all. I’m now passionate about Everything.
I thought that developing a spiritual component to my life would mean I’d be one of those wackjobs on the street corner handing out Watchtower magazines. No, it’s a personal thing.
I was certain that going to the gym was for boneheads. It aint.
I thought redefining who I am by scrapping the lies that I’ve used to create whatever identity I thought was who I was would mean that I’d somehow cease to exist as me anymore. But I’m more myself now than I’ve ever been.
I thought not drinking etc. would make me some kind of straight-laced dork. Tough *****.
My head is really turned around about a lot of things.
The sum total of this thing is that I hit a pretty solid bottom and have ended up becoming the man I’ve always wanted to be. Forget about ‘managing’ or ‘getting by’… I’m ready to realize my full potential in life, whatever that may be and wherever that may lead. However it turns out, I’m certainly equipped now to enjoy the ride.
