Navy at home

[Sandman]

Okay, you've done the whole deployment thing.  Now you're thinking, "Damn, I miss the atmosphere of the ship!"  Fear no longer, shipmate.  Here is a list of just some of the things you can do to make life at home a bit more like your Navy home!
 
1.  To make your trip to the gas station more like UNREP:  Mount a bull horn to the top of your car.  When arriving at the gas station, announce "Good morning, station manager Bob, employees and pump attendants of Shell Gas.  Stand by on pump number 6 while I fill up and get me a soda!"
 
2.  After filling up with gas, announce, "Emergency drive away Emergency drive away, left lane!"  Then play some *****in'  80's rock music over your new bull horn while maneuvering your vehicle full throttle out of the station.  
    
3.  While at home on your computer, every once in awhile announce that you're setting "River City 2".  Don't use the computer or the phone for at least three or four days.  
    
4.  If that big game or your favorite show are playing, turn the TV  off during crucial parts.  Then turn it back on for commercials.  

5.  Unplug your telephone, then call the repairman on your cell. When he comes over and plugs it back in for you, act like you're really stupid.  Hey, you're an OS!  Good job, buddy!
    
6.  Throw away all your spices and sauces you may have in your kitchen.  Keep ketchup and soy sauce.  Now, overcook meat and undercook vegetables.  Bon appetite!
    
7.  If your TV has a timer on it, set it for the middle of the night and turn the volume all the way up.  Then buy ten alarm clocks and set them to go off during different times of the night.
    
8.  Do all your appliances work really well?  Take them completely apart to make absolutely sure.  Then sign a piece of paper so everyone will know you did it.
    
9.  Oh ****, your cable bill is due in two weeks!  You already filled it out and it's ready to mail.  Yeah, it's 2 in the morning, but you need to get up now and make sure it's ready to go two Fridays from now.
    
10.  Take a nice healthy **** in your toilet.  Don't flush it down Now, leave that there for a month or so.  Continue defecating in that same toilet.  Remember, don't flush.  Now, pee on the floor.  Hey, it smells just like berthing!
    
11.  Go to your tool box in the garage.  Randomly throw tools away every week.  
    
12.  When doing your laundry, don't use scented soap.  Only dry your clothes for five or ten minutes without a dryer sheet.  Now, wad your clothes up into a nice ball so they're very wrinkled and still damp. Leave them that way for at least a day and a half.
    
13.  Pay a bum off the street to stay with you for awhile.  You can feed him, but make sure he doesn't bathe or wash his clothes.  Make him sleep and store what repulsive possessions he may have at least three feet away from where you do the same.  
    
14.  Pretend your house is on fire and under attack every once in awhile.  After that, pretend your house is firing some land attack missiles.  
    
15.  Buy yourself an kick-ass new chainsaw.  Don't operate it until you're fully qualified, though.  It takes at least four weeks to be chainsaw operator.  You don't even want to know how long it takes to become chainsaw maintenance man and refueler qualified!  
    
16.  When going through the drive through at McDonald's, ask the guy at the window if you can have a "hook-up" and get two burgers.  Make him tell you no.  Then get really pissed and complain that the guy in the last car got two.
    
17.  At least once a week, turn off your water heater and take a nice cold shower.  Once a month, turn off the water completely.  Tell your neighbor that steam has been secured in your berthing's head and ask to use his shower.  Show up naked with just a towel.  
    
18.  Go to the mailbox only once every two weeks or so.  Get really excited when you get the mail!  Yay, a letter from the bank!  Yay!!
    
19.  Watch the last half of a movie.  Call the cable company and tell them to play it again.  When they say no, become very persistent and offer to buy them a soda.  
    
20.  Velcro everything you own to the floor or wall.

[lord dolf vader]

the os one cracked me up. we really did call people to plug things in. there was a reason sort of tho ahhhhhh  i think.


this  guy had to be a et or possibly fc.

[VAQ]

Originally posted by Sandman_SBM
Okay, you've done the whole deployment thing.  Now you're thinking, "Damn, I miss the atmosphere of the ship!"  Fear no longer, shipmate.  Here is a list of just some of the things you can do to make life at home a bit more like your Navy home!
 
1.  To make your trip to the gas station more like UNREP:  Mount a bull horn to the top of your car.  When arriving at the gas station, announce "Good morning, station manager Bob, employees and pump attendants of Shell Gas.  Stand by on pump number 6 while I fill up and get me a soda!"
 
 

Arrive at gas station and shout "All topside personel take cover!  Stand by for shotline!"

UNREPS and VERTREPS were way cool.

10. Take a nice healthy **** in your toilet. Don't flush it down Now, leave that there for a month or so. Continue defecating in that same toilet. Remember, don't flush. Now, pee on the floor. Hey, it smells just like berthing!

[/b]

I have pictures.

[john9001]

11. Go to your tool box in the garage. Randomly throw tools away every week

damm navy guys have it easy, in the marines we had a tool inventory of your personal tool box every month, if a tool was missing you were charged for it.

[Sikboy]

Originally posted by VAQ
Arrive at gas station and shout "All topside personel take cover!  Stand by for shotline!"

UNREPS and VERTREPS were way cool.

I've probably told this boring story before, but I'll tell it again.

One day, with about 1 week to go on our float, the Chief in our Intel unit had a huge fight with the Ensign, over some classified material which was taken out of the SESS. So one thing leads to another, and the Chief is baneshed from the spaces, and spends his remaining time sitting on the 03 deck catching some Pacific Sun.

On the day of our last UNREP, my buddy Ivan and I went topside to check it out (we'd been working midwatches the whole time and never had a chance before). So there was the Chief, standing around smoking a cigarrette. We BS for a while, watched as the USNS Mars pulled up and then came the call "All hands topside take cover and prepare to receive shot line!" Ivan and I looked at each other like "What the hell?" And the Chief pointed to a guy standing on the Mars with what looked like a rifle with a toilet plunger sticking out of it. Anyhow, when they fired that thing off, I swear it was coming RIGHT FOR MY HEAD! and you could tell that Ivan thought the same thing, since we both hit the deck with a quickness.

The shotline struck the superstructure well below us, and as we were dusting ourselves off the Chief just looked at us a shook his head. He hadn't even flinched.

-Sik

[mauser]

Here is the submarine equivalent, with the link and source:


sound_man
Wed, 03 December 03 08:56
http://forums.military.com/1/OpenTopic?a=tpc&s=78919038&f=380190923&m=2741937686
How to Simulate Submarine Life in your Own Home!

For all you non-quals out there, here's a short primer on submarine life. enjoy.

Obtain a dumpster. Paint it black, weld all the covers shut except one which can be bolted closed from the inside. Hitch it to the back of your wife's mini van. Gather 12 friends and bolt yourselves inside and let your wife pull it around for several weeks while she does the errands.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain. shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.

Paint all the windows on your car black. Drive around town at high speeds with your wife standing up in the sunroof shouting course and speed directions to you.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.

Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

Don't watch T.V. except movies in the middle of the night. Also, have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Record The Sound of Music and show it at least every other night.

Don't do your wash at home. Gather your neighbors clothes along with yours, pick the most crowded laundromat you can find, and do the neighborhood laundry in a single washer and dryer. Make sure that 12% of the laundry is lost and 20% of the finished laundry is incorrectly distributed to the wrong neighbor.

Leave lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level. (For Engineering Divisions)

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

Sleep with your dirty laundry.

Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.

Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.

Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread, if anything. (Optional--canned ravioli, cold soup, or beanie wienies)

Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.

Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together.

Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

Periodically check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".

Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.

Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".

Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.


Although I'm not in the Navy itself as you guys are/were, the Navy is our "customer."  And I'll get to personally experience at least a few days/nights of sub life every once in a while.

mauser

[straffo]

Great Mauser

[Wilbus]

<-- The Guy who has to plug things in

[Swager]

Thanks Mauser,

I haven't seen that list since I used to punch holes!

I used to crack up everytime I seen it!  You dont know how many of those are very close!


Swag

[capt. apathy]

11. Go to your tool box in the garage. Randomly throw tools away every week.

my kids have been handling this for me for years