> Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
> never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline
> pilots and control towers from around the world.
>
> While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
> with a United 727.
>
> An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
> screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you
> to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
> right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
> between C and D, but get it right!"
>
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
> forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
> tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
> half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
> tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
> control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal
> bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
> ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
> cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
> unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
> "Wasn't
I
> married to you once?"
> ============================================================
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
> out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
> hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
> not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
> lights and return to the airport."
> ============================================================
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
> f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
> identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> ============================================================
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
> way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
> of the runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
> Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
> yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
> ==========================================================
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
> them.
> So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
> following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
> Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
>
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird
> 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
> not been to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
> =======================================================
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
> is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
> the little Fokker in sight."
> ========================================================
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
> the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
> English."
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
...-Gixer
