TALE OF **** NAZIby Karen EngelmannWhen I first got the idea for **** Birds I was a little skeptic. After all, it WOULD involve the collection of, quite bluntly, horse ****. I took many drives out to the country in search of a place that could accommodate. Eventually I found the perfect spot. I had collected at that spot many times with no incidents other than odd looks from drivers on the road, until one morning late in February. That morning I learned one very good lesson over this little project of mine.I had just put the last **** into the **** Tote, with my **** Tongs, when I hear a voice say... "Put those back!" I look up and hereīs this older man standing on the road pointing his finger at me. So I say... very intelligently, "Huh?" To which he replies, "Those are my turds, put them back!" My reaction at that point was to laugh, never dreaming that this could be anything other than a joke. I realized the seriousness of the situation when he says, cell phone in hand, "Are you going to put my **** back or do I call the Sheriff and have you arrested?" Now, 15 years ago there would have been no question in my mind, Iīd of been outta there. But today, Iīm old, Iīm tired and I have very little enjoyment left in my life, so I said, "Call em!" Which he did. As we waited for the Sheriff to show up I became curious so I inquired as to why he objected, obviously quite strongly, to the removal of the horse turds... to which the **** Nazi replied... "Because itīs my **** and I ainīt sharing!" At first I didnīt think I had heard correctly and was just about to say "Excuse me?" when I spotted the Sheriff car driving slowly up the road. As I looked at the **** Tote, brimming with turds, it occurred to me... this could be a bit difficult to explain... perhaps this wasnīt such a wise idea after all!The Sheriff surveyed the entire scene as he approached and asked "What seems to be the problem here?" Immediately the **** Nazi replied, "Sheīs stealing my ****!" To which the Sheriff replied... "Excuse me ??" As the entire **** story is being explained, the Sheriff put a very commendable effort into keeping a straight face... however when his shoulders started shaking from suppressed laughter I knew he was fighting a losing battle. It wasn't minutes later when he finally lost the battle and burst into hysterical laughter. This seemed to upset the **** Nazi as he felt he was not being taken seriously. When the Sheriff finally got control of himself, he says to the **** Nazi "Well sir, certainly you have enough turds that you can let this lady have a few." The **** Nazi got very agitated and says "She doesnīt just want a few, she wants a whole bag full!" Then he launches into this long story about how his momma raised him right and taught him the value of owning **** and I almost fell down from laughing when the Sheriff says "Sir, (slight pause to get his laughter under control) I donīt really think she meant... uh... ****!" When the Sheriff finally stopped laughing the **** Nazi was furious. The Sheriff then says "What is it you would like to see happen here?" to which the **** Nazi replied "Arrest her!" When the Sheriff inquired (in a broken voice as he still did not have complete control over the laughter) "On what charges?" the **** Nazi, who by now was losing patience with everyone said "Theft! She's stealing my ****!" At this, both the Sheriff and myself could no longer contain ourselves and commenced to laugh.Wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes the Sheriff says to the **** Nazi, "If I understand you correctly," (brief pause to control laughter) "you would like this young lady arrested and brought up on charges for" (brief pause for laughter control) "Theft of horse **** which you claim to own?" And then he promptly dissolved into laughter. It was at this point that we felt the **** Nazi was in danger of having a stroke he was so mad, therefore, in an attempt to appease the **** Nazi and after extensive negotiations, to the agreement of all parties, I was given a ticket which cited me for "Theft of Poop" which violates a section of the penal code 'to be determined'.After the **** Nazi left the area... happy cos he still owned all his ****... the Sheriff says, as he helps me put my **** Tote (still full of turds) into the trunk of the car "My suggestion to you is to request a court appearance. I do not see how any judge could uphold this ticket especially if you tell them exactly what happened here today." And once again he began to laugh and he was still chuckling as he drove off down the road. I stood there for a few minutes, gazing at the tote full of turds, pondering over the events of the last hour. I then put the **** Ticket in my pocket, closed the trunk and drove home.It was several weeks later when I got a letter from the court. Basically it said, after careful review it had been determined that no violation had occurred as the circumstance was not covered under any valid penal code. I was a little bummed. I had really been looking forward to going to court and telling my story!!! Oh well. **** happens.
