The onion is to good
"We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases. . . . People like Chris Reeve will get out of their wheelchairs and walk again with stem cell research."--John Edwards, Oct. 11
"If you put John Kerry and me in the White House, we'll have each one of you in the driver's seat of a brand-new SUV. Your bosses will be less cranky, your children will be kept in trucker hats and iPods, and your TV screens will grow even wider. Those who are bald will wake up one morning and magically find themselves with thick heads of luxurious, silky hair. You'll open your refrigerators and 15-pound hams will tumble out. Your dog might even start to talk, and the first thing he'll say is 'I love you.' It'll be that good."--"John Edwards," the Onion, Oct. 13
