I'm a big B-movie fan and generally, they are not "supposed to be bad" but are supposed to be artsy or powerful and end up being bad. But, not so bad that they escape being funny (laugh at not laugh with) and easy to bust on. Greaser's Palace is the "best" B-movie IMO (one of Time Magazine's top 10 movies of 1971
), the "Story of Rikki" for the martial arts catagory... an endless list.
However, there are movies that are just plain bad. Not funny bad, not mockable bad, but BAD. I don't want to crack a joke because my mind is too numb to care bad. For me, the most recent one I was forced to watch with the wife (and she though it sucked too) was:
THE SWEETEST THING
The pitch meeting for The Sweetest Thingmust have sounded fantastic. 'Let's reunite Cameron Diaz with Farrelly Brothers' associate and Cruel Intentions director Roger Kumble and make a There's Something About Mary comedy for girls!' No doubt the producers' eyes were bulging at the thought of the cash that would flow in, but first there was the small matter of La Diaz's salary (a reported $15m). But hey - not to worry - There's Something About Mary took nearly $200m in the United States alone so surely this new project can't go wrong. Or can it?
Unfortunately for all concerned, and especially for anyone unlucky enough to have to sit through this horrendous mess (all 89 minutes of it), pretty much everything went wrong. The film limped in with just under $25m at the American Box Office and reviews which suggested that it was one of the year's weakest offerings. Now that it is being mercilessly foisted on the rest of the world the truth can be revealed: it is the worst film your reviewer has had the misfortune of seeing this year.
In what barely passes for a plot, Diaz plays a San Francisco singleton who just never meets the right guy. When she goes to a club one night with her buddies Selma Blair and Christina Applegate she bumps into Thomas Jane (a great actor who really should get a better agent) and decides he is the one. However, there is a slight problem in that Mr Jane is about to be married. With cheeky aplomb Diaz decides that the marriage will not take place as she should be the rightful bride.
All of this is merely an excuse for the worst collection of grossout jokes in recent memory. Some of the scenes in The Sweetest Thing are so bad that they make other notable flops in the genre (Say It Isn't So and Outside Providence spring to mind) look like works by Kurosawa. They also put into perspective the fact that films of this type which actually work (There's Something About Mary and both American Pies) are indeed very good example of how to portray comic timing on screen.
But here we have downright embarrassing moments in which the three girls variously have sex with large furry rabbits, get covered in goo in a men's urinal, and actually mount a full on musical number called 'Your noodle is too big' to the tune of Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy. None of this is made up.
Surely now is the time for an international amnesty on this type of film. Perhaps all existing copies could be returned and burned and we could find it in our hearts to forgive those who inflicted them upon us. But even after sitting through a mere hour and a half of this rubbish forgiveness seems a long time away.
The review actually makes it sound more entertaing (even by B-flick standards) than it is... by far.
Charon
