Season 1
* I will not waste chalk
* I will not skateboard in the halls
* I will not burp in class
* I will not instigate revolution
* I will not draw naked ladies in class
* I did not see Elvis
* I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
* Garlic gum is not funny
* They are laughing at me, not with me
* I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
Season 2
* I will not encourage others to fly
* I will not fake my way through life
* Tar is not a plaything
* I will not Xerox my butt
* It's potato, not potatoe
* I will not trade pants with others
* I am not a 32 year old woman
* I will not do that thing with my tongue
* I will not drive the principal's car
* I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
* I will not sell school property
* I will not cut corners
* I will not get very far with this attitude
* I will not make flatuent noises in class
* I will not belch the National Anthem
* I will not sell land in Florida
* I will not grease the monkey bars
* I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
* I will not do anything bad ever again
* I will not show off (written in Olde English style font)
* I will not sleep through my education
Season 3
* I am not a dentist
* Spitwads are not free speech
* Nobody likes sunburn slappers
* High explosives and school don't mix
* I will not bribe Principal Skinner
* I will not squeak chalk (Chalk squeaks as he writes)
* I will finish what I sta
* "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
* I will not fake rabies
* Underwear should be worn on the inside
* The Christmas Pageant does not stink
* I will not torment the emotionally frail
* I will not carve gods
* I will not spank others
* I will not aim for the head
* I will not barf unless I'm sick
* I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
* I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
* I will not conduct my own fire drills
* Funny noises are not funny
* I will not spin the turtle
* I will not snap bras
* I will not fake seizures
Season 4
* This punishment is not boring and pointless
* My name is not Dr. Death
* I will not defame New Orleans
* I will not prescribe medication
* I will not bury the new kid
* I will not teach others to fly
* I will not bring sheep to class
* A burp is not an answer
* Teacher is not a leper
* Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
* I will not eat things for money
* I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
* The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
* I will not call the principal "spud head"
* Goldfish don't bounce
* Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
* No one is interested in my underpants
* I will not sell miracle cures
* I will return the seeing-eye dog
* I do not have diplomatic immunity
* I will not charge admission to the bathroom
Season 5
* I will never win an Emmy
* The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
* I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
* I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
* I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
* I am not delightfully saucy
* Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
* The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
* There are plenty of businesses like show business
* I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
* Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Season 6
* Beans are neither fruit nor musical
* I will not use abbrev.
* I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
* I will not send lard through the mail
* I will not dissect things unless instructed
* I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
* Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
* Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
* "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
* Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
* Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
* I will not hang donuts on my person
* I will remember to take my medication
* I will not strut around like I own the place
* The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
* I do not have power of attorney over first graders
* Nerve gas is not a toy
* I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
* The First Amendment does not cover burping
* This is not a clue...or is it?
Season 7
* I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
* "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
* No one wants to hear from my armpits
* I am not a lean mean spitting machine
* The boys room is not a water park
* Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
* Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
* I will only do this once a year (referring to clip shows)
* I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
* I am not certified to remove asbestos
Season 8
* I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
* I am not my long-lost twin
* The truth is not out there
* I am not licensed to do anything
* I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
* A fire drill does not demand a fire
Season 9
* I no longer want my MTV
* Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
* I did not invent Irish dancing
* I will not tease Fatty
* There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
* Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
* Shooting paintballs is not an art form
* Pain is not the cleanser
* Silly String is not a nasal spray
* I was not told to do this
* My butt does not deserve a website
* I will not demand what I'm worth
* I will not mess with the opening credits (in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
* I am not the new Dalai Lama
* I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
Season 10
* I will not file frivolous lawsuits
* "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
* No one cares what my definition of "is" is
* I will not scream for ice cream
* I am not a licensed hairstylist
* "The President did it" is not an excuse
* My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
* Sherri does not "got back"
* I will not do the Dirty Bird
* No one wants to hear about my sciatica
* Hillbillies are people too
* Grammar is not a time of waste
* It does not suck to be you
* I cannot absolve sins
* A trained ape could not teach gym
* Loose teeth don't need my help
* I have neither been there nor done that
* I am so very tired
Season 11
* Fridays are not "pants optional"
* Pork is not a verb
* I am not the last Don
* I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
* I won't not use no double negatives
* I can't see dead people
* I will not sell my kidney on eBay
