88's advice column

[JB88]

eskimo2 asked...
JB888,

How do I tell all of these JBNumberGuys apart?  Are they really all the same, or are there subtle differences between them?

eskimo

resistance is futile JB02.

88

[JB88]

Originally posted by Panzzer
Dear JB88,

it's almost 4:30 am here in Finland now... I don't have anything important to do tomorrow, so should I get one more drink now or should I go get some sleep at this time?

Thank you,
honestly sincere Panzzer...

its still cold as hell there.  

drink damn you!

drink to the warmer clime!

drink to the snowbunnies where ere they be!  

drink to the yeti!

drink to the mighty finnish army and its victories!

drink damn you.  drink like the wind!!!

and then stop.

and pee.

and then sleep.

and then wake up and see her there and seek help...

and pray its not to late...

the yeti loves you.

[Furball]

Originally posted by JB88
furball asks...

should i play it cool, or let a girl know that i like her?

furball,

it really depends on the age of consent in your country.  you might check your local law books or ask your neighborhood watch officer.

cool is always the best way to go.



but how do you do that you ask?

lots and lots of hair gel formed into a swank ducktail style...old spice applied liberally with a saturated washcloth for ambience...bow tie and suspenders are a must.  brown shoes, black belt.

opening line you ask?

"hey baby...nice six."

but what about dinner?

man, there is nothing that a modern woman likes more than to take you out to an expensive restaurant...order the surf and turf and make sure you grow a healthy bar tab...your gonna wanna be drunk for the next episode.

best of luck.
88

so the opening line of:-

"i r teh l33t intardnet piolet and i like nookie nook"

is not the way to go?

[slimm50]

Heh. Art not workin out for you JB?

[JB88]

Originally posted by Furball
so the opening line of:-

"i r teh l33t intardnet piolet and i like nookie nook"

is not the way to go?

no no...by all means...thats a keeper.

along with "i like cheese" one of my other more successful pickup lines.

[JB88]

Originally posted by slimm50
Heh. Art not workin out for you JB?

lol

i always have time to help out my fellow man slimm.

[SirLoin]

"Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?"..



Isn't that a Frank Zappa tune?

[FiLtH]

Hi 88,

    I have a problem. My cat like to sleep on my wife's face at night. It is cute, but in the morning my cat' prettythang stinks like morning breath...what can I do?

[Skydancer]

This is the funniest thread.



WTG

[JB88]

FiLtH asks...
Hi 88,

    I have a problem. My cat like to sleep on my wife's face at night. It is cute, but in the morning my cat' prettythang stinks like morning breath...what can I do?

dear filth,

what to do when the grapefruit is nuzzling your muff?

cats are notoriously clean and lick themselves often so one would think that a quick cleaning of your cats butt would cure the problem...but halitosis is no mean feat to get rid of, even with the saliva and sandpaper tounge of a well groomed kitty cat.

i think that youve reached a point where you have to decide whether or not you can live with this problem or whether its time to purchase a nighttime mint muzzle for the mrs.



88

[slimm50]

ROTFLMAO! When this thread has run its course, if it ever does, it'll be one for the archives, to be revisited in the years to come.

Like Scavenger's posts.


"I go diving down..."

[lazs2]

dear 88..

I sometimes think that people aren't listening to me... it is allmost like they are deliberately ingnoring me...

not all people.. just a few really wussie girly men but still...  Is it my "lack of sensitivity" as they have said?

lazs

[eskimo2]

Dear JB88,

Whenever I fly my El-Gay-Seven, all of the Barbie-fires out turn me, and whenever I fly my Barbie-fire, all of the El-Gay-Sevens run and climb away.  What to do?

Sincerely,
Clueless in the MA.

[JB88]

lazs asks..."this person is on your ignore list"

dear lasz,

i can only begin to speculate what you have asked but based upon our previous exchanges i am willing to hazzard a few guesses.

so here goes.

1.  no, some lives arent worth saving...sometimes its best to do the world a favor and take one for the team.

2.  the blue dress DOES make your butt look big, but the red dress has vertical stripes which help minimize your frumpy dwarflike figure.  

3. don't worry, mullets will be back in fashion before you know it...

4.  it really doesnt cost that much to get your GED...and its worth the effort.

5.  use a phonebook and you should be abe to see right over that steering wheel.  

6.  perhaps an afghani mail order bride would do.

7.  chronic masterbation is a curable addiction...but being an azzhat is harder to overcome.  i'd start with the former and work your way to the later...though i havent seen the cure for your kind yet, you may surprize someone yet.

8.  creams and pumps my friend, creams and pumps.  


hope it helps.



88

[JB88]

eskimo2 asks
Dear JB88,

Whenever I fly my El-Gay-Seven, all of the Barbie-fires out turn me, and whenever I fly my Barbie-fire, all of the El-Gay-Sevens run and climb away.  What to do?

Sincerely,
Clueless in the MA.

dear clueless in the MA.

i treated shane for this once and i am glad to say that in nine out of ten cases, it wasnt the plane that was causing the problem, it was the weight displacement caused by the heavy purse and makeup case that come standard in the models.

to fix this use the dot command ".dweebqueenoff"

this will jetison these bulky items and bring them back to normal flight characteristics.



88