Author Topic: Bad jokes (Read 627 times)

capt. apathy · « **Reply #15 on:** April 25, 2005, 09:48:01 AM »

a man is in court facing charges after a game warden had caught him cooking and eating a hawk that he'd killed.

he gives the judge a sad story of hunger and desperation. how he's a decent guy who wouldn't ordinarily do this sort of thing, but was hungry and just couldn't let a meal go by, whatever the meal may be.

so the judge buys the story, decides to give him a break, and lets him off with a warning.

the grateful man thanks the judge profusely and promises to never do it again, as he leaves the court room.

curiosity gets the better of the judge and he stops the man as he makes his way out of the courtroom.

"I gotta know, what does a hawk taste like?"

"about the same as an eagle."

bigsky · « **Reply #16 on:** April 25, 2005, 06:26:12 PM »

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Octavius · « **Reply #17 on:** April 25, 2005, 06:54:45 PM »

I will contribute one, but I must slit my wrists after typing this. It will be difficult to click submit reply...

What do you call a threesome on Arrakis?

Melange a Trois.

Darkish · « **Reply #18 on:** April 25, 2005, 07:37:11 PM »

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

FUNKED1 · « **Reply #19 on:** April 25, 2005, 07:48:46 PM »

DIE COCKTARDIUS

Octavius · « **Reply #20 on:** April 25, 2005, 08:57:55 PM »

hahhahahaha!!1

and i came up with that one myself

bigsky · « **Reply #21 on:** April 25, 2005, 10:47:07 PM »

Nate and Martin, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Nate's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Nate says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Barbara to show Martin her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do. Nate comes back with the beer and finds Martin and Barbara screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Nate yells, "What are you doing Barbara?"

She replies, "You told me to show Martin my best southern hospitality."

Nate replies "For cripe sake woman, arch your back, poor Martin's balls are on the cold floor."

bigsky · « **Reply #22 on:** April 25, 2005, 10:50:52 PM »

One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at light speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my arse sure is sore!"

this thread will never die, unless skuzzified.

bigsky · « **Reply #23 on:** April 25, 2005, 11:12:28 PM »

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."