Conservatives, Libertarians, Liberals...

[2bighorn]

Originally posted by John Scalzi
CONSERVATIVES:
Self-hating moral relativists--unless you can convince me that an intellectual class that publicly praises family values but privately engages in sodomy, coke and trophy wives is more aptly described in some other way. Not every conservative is an old, wealthy, white man on his third wife, but nearly every conservative aspires to be that. Genuinely fear and hate those who are not "with" them. The sort of people who would rather **** on a freshly baked cherry pie than share it with someone not of their own tribe.
Conservatives believe in a government by the oligarchy, for the oligarchy, which is why the conservative idea of an excellent leader is Ronald Reagan, i.e., genial, brain-damaged and amenable to manipulation by his more mentally composed underlings. Under the impression they own the copyright on Jesus, and get testy when other political factions point out that, technically, Christ is in the public domain. Conservatives don't actually bother to spend time with people who are not conservative, and thus become confused and irritable when people disagree with them. Fundamentally, they can't see how that's even possible, which shows an almost charming intellectual naiveté. Less interested in explaining their point of view than nuking you and everything you stand for into blackened cinders before your evil worldview catches on like a virus.

Conservatives pen their "thinkers" like veal in think tanks rather than let them interact with people who might oppose their views. They loathe women who are not willing to have their opinions as safely shellacked as their hair. Let their sons get caught with a dime bag, and see how many are really for "zero-tolerance." Let a swarthy day laborer impregnate their daughters, and find out how many of them are really pro-life.


LIBERTARIANS:
Never got over the fact they weren't the illegitimate children of Robert Heinlein and Ayn Rand. Currently punishing the rest of us for it. Unusually smug for a political philosophy that's never gotten anyone elected to anything above the local water board. All for legalized drugs and prostitution but probably wouldn't want their kids blowing strangers for crack. All for slashing taxes for nearly every social service, but don't seem to understand why most people aren't at all keen to trade in even the minimal safety net the United States provides for 55-gallon barrels of beans and rice, a crossbow and a first-aid kit in the basement. Blissfully clueless that libertarianism is just great as long as it doesn't actually involve real live humans.

Libertarians are even more snide than conservatives, if that's possible. Socially slow--will assume other people actually want to talk about legalizing hemp and the benefits of a polyamorous ethos when all these other folks really want is to drink beer and play Grand Theft Auto 3.

Libertarianism is the official political system of science-fiction authors, which explains why science fiction is in such a rut these days.

Libertarians are often polyamorous (and hope you are, too) but also somewhat out of shape, which takes a lot of the fun out of it.

Libertarians secretly worry that, ultimately, someone will figure out that the whole of their political philosophy boils down to "Get Off My Property." News flash: This is not really a big secret to the rest of us.


LIBERALS:
Stupidest and weakest members of the political triumvirate. Allowed conservatives to turn their name into a slur, exposing them as the political equivalent of the kid who lets the school bully pummel him with his own fists. (Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.)

Liberals champion the poor and the weak but do it in condescendingly bureaucratic ways. Famously humorless and dour, probably because, for a really good liberal, everything is political--and you just can't joke about things like that.

Defensive and peevish even when they're right. Under the impression that people in politics should play fair, which is probably why they get screwed as often as they do (2000 presidential election). Feel guilty about the freedoms their political positions allow them--which is, frankly, idiotic.

Liberals are politically able to have all sorts of freaky mammal sex but typically don't. Good liberal foreplay involves a permission slip and three layers of impermeable barrier. The only vaguely liberal person we know of who seemed to enjoy sex in the past 30 years is Bill Clinton. And look what he got out of it.

Unruly, with no sense of loyalty. Will publicly tear out the intestines of those closest to them at the most politically inopportune times. Have the attention spans of poultry. Easily distracted from large, useful goals by pointless minutiae. Not only can't see the forest for the trees, can't see the trees for the pine needles. Deserve every bad thing that happens to them because they just can't get their act together. Too bad those they presume to stand for get royally screwed, as well.
_____________________________ ________
I'm guessing you thought I was way off on your political philosophy but right on the button about the other two.

John Scalzi

[GtoRA2]

The last line makes it lol.

[StarOfAfrica2]

Not every conservative is an old, wealthy, white man on his third wife, but nearly every conservative aspires to be that.

Under the impression they own the copyright on Jesus, and get testy when other political factions point out that, technically, Christ is in the public domain.

When I read the first one, I thought I might actually BE a conservative for a moment.  

Priceless stuff.

[lazs2]

I don't think that it is too tough to figure out that the author is a total liberal...

notice the vitrihol he spews about the conservatives and the libertarians and how they are flat out wrong in their beliefs...

for the liberals... he claims that "they" (him) are right about everything but that they just aren't getting their point across well enough...

he claims they are weak and urges them to be stronger..  He even goes so far as to say that they won in 2000 but didn't try hard enough to prove it...  what a joke the guy is.

and the "out of shape" bit in describing the sometimes academic libertarians... LOL... have you seen the weak spermed liberals that show up at protests?  talk about your parade of pathetic excuses for human beings... most of em could be knocked down weeping by a healthy 12 year old.

lazs

[lasersailor184]

That was the stupidest thing I have ever read.  Bighorn, your thread making rights are suspended for a week.