'Bout time too!
Take that you liberal *******!!!!!
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY'S REMARKS ANGRILY REBUKING DEMOCRATS' INEXCUSABLE TRANSFORMATION INTO TREASONOUSLY INSOLENT VERTEBRATES
Remarks by the Vice President
THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good evening. It's a pleasure to see you all tonight, and to be back at the Frontiers of Freedom Institute for this wonderful Ronald Reagan Gala. Lynne and I were sorry to hear we won't be joined by Nancy. She was unable to attend now that we've blacklisted that ***** for wanting to inject womb boogers into the Gipper's oatmeal brain. (Boos.)
Anyway, in light of our plummeting poll numbers, I wanted to use tonight's event as a vehicle to lob some talking points that can be picked up by the news media, then repeated ad nauseum by my cadre of obedient Fox News apparatchiks pretending to be journalists. (Applause.)
As most of you know, I have spent a long time in Washington, learning the ropes of public service during my years in the ethically spotless administration of Richard M. Nixon. I know what it's like to operate in a highly charged political environment, using demagoguery, cartoonish jingoism, and vicious character assassination to gleefully castrate the liberal opposition into meek, unquestioning submission. (Applause.)
But in the past several weeks we have seen a wild departure from that tradition. And the charge that's been made by some U.S. senators that the Vice President of the United States – or that moron who pretends to be my boss – would ever dupe the American people into swallowing a gooey money shot of pro-war lies, is one of the most annoyingly insolent ever aired in this city. And tonight, it is time to bend those peaceniks back over an oil drum and violently impale them on my man steak. (Applause.)
Such charges are dangerously irresponsible. And by "irresponsible," I of course mean "potentially damaging to Halliburton's stock price." (Applause.)
Some of these irresponsible comments have come from politicians who actually bought the carefully cherry-picked facts that made up my case for war. And now they want to flip-flop? That's like ordering a meal off a menu, then blaming the restaurant when it gives you explosive diarrhea! You don't ask the Board of Health to investigate, do you? No, you sit tight on the toilet for as long as it takes – ordering helping after helping – right up until the moment you keel over and die from dehydration. (Applause.)
Of course, the explosive diarrhea of which I speak is really a poetic metaphor for our fallen heroes in Iraq. And the saddest part is that our brave people in uniform are being exposed to the sick, twisted idea that explosive diarrhea might conceivably be a bad thing. Yes, American soldiers and Marines are out there every day in punishing desert conditions – repairing oil pipelines and laying the groundwork for civil war – and back home a few lousy war heroes are suggesting they shouldn't be PROUD if a roadside bomb turns them into metaphorical diarrhea.
The President and I cannot prevent certain Democrats from experiencing humiliation over having been played like a lab rats in a maze, but we're not going to just sit by while they sprout treasonous spines and try to rewrite the history that this White House put so much time and effort into PRE-WRITING. (Applause.)
We're going to stick by our story, because if Watergate and Iran-Contra taught me anything, it's that if you give even an inch, the whole house of cards can come tumbling down around you. And far more important, we're going to continue sending a consistent message to the men and women fighting on the front lines of Operation Noble Torture. We can never say enough how much we appreciate their blind devotion, and how proud we are to invoke their eggshell-fragile egos as a super-effective mechanism for squelching any and all dissent.
Indeed, they and their families can be certain that we will not stray from the Explosive Diarrhea Path, doing nothing to interfere with the blood-drenched destinies of America's dead men walking. And we shall stand our ground – or whatever ground we say is ours – until such time the spectral enemy thousand-headed hydra of our own creation has outlived its political usefulness. I fully expect that to coincide with the commencement of the very next Ice Age in Hell. (Applause.)
Thank you, and may God continue to pour extra blessings on Pro-War, Pro-Torture America.
