This one had me laughing this morning, thought I'd share it
------------------------------------------
INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting
Phoenix, Durban, South Africa
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry
cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of
local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
Here are the scorecards from the Event:
_____________________________
____________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy toejam, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's
the worst one.
_____________________________
_________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
rush me
to hospital. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my
face.
_____________________________
______________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting toejam-faced from all the
beer.
_____________________________
_______________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid,
was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. woman is starting
to
look HOT, just like this stuff I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
_____________________________
_______________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
Considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had
given me
brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
_____________________________
______________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. I toejam myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Savathree -
she must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my
bellybutton with a snow cone!
_____________________________
________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't
feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like toejam to
match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4
inch hole
in my stomach.
_____________________________
_______________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot
curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
