Aircraft Maintenance

[Meatwad]

1543.1
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems,
known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Grayeagle]

LOL

Some from my years on the line as ECM troop:

P: No video display
S: Turned intensity UP

P: RAWR inop in Official Mode
S: 'OFF' = System Turned OFF ..turned system ON, ops chk ok.

P: ECM Pod loose on preflight
S: Pads at proper torque (the guy must have been yankin on the pod purty hard to move it!.. write-up from a brand new captain just transitioning into the F-4 long ago)

..one of my favorites .. on the End-of-Runway check out of Udorn-Thani RTAFB, we had threat simulators on, to check all 4 quads on their scope .. on the headset I would ask 'em which quad they had showin .. and hear the system startup tones meaning he had just turned it on (sposed to turn it on in the chocks before taxiing!) ... always tried to remember those guys names .. cause they would be the ones most likely not comin back if there was any shootin.

Then there was the day in debreif at George AFB, Major Zolondek came in, alone, very subdued .. under 'landed' ..he wrote 'unknown' ..

Last thing he remembered was going to AB.. very next memory was regaining consciousness floating in his chute, no sign of the airplane.
 .. Board of Inquiry concluded the rear canopy had departed the aircraft at that moment, partially initiating eject sequence.. back seater was killed and the aircraft augered from 10k.

There are no easy days on the line.

-GE (yes, I turned down two awarded F-4 rides ..played on the sim instead thanks)

[Dago]

I hate to point this out Meatwad, but that list has been posted more times than Madonna has been bedded.

[Rino]

Wonder which Quantas bird has the humming target radar?

     I had an F-4 WSO with 4 years in the bird put a writeup in the forms:

Radar does not work in O.F.F. mode.

     After working it out, I decided to be a wiseacre and asked the next
backseater if the radar worked ok in off mode.  After he informed me
that yes indeed the radar turned off as advertised, I put as the fix:

Replaced stick actuator, system ops checked ok.



     Took the Production Supervisor about 5 hours to find and figure out
what the stick actuator was and call me on it