Key to abbreviations in test questions that follow:
CONS: Conservative (Archconservative)
LIBL: Liberal (Leftwing Wacko)
LBRT: Libertarian (Antigovernment Libertine)
COMM: Communist (Commie Sympathizer)
1: Government's practice of stealing from the rich to give to the poor is...
CONS: a crime.
LIBL: a brave, generous and heroic deed.
LBRT: a foolish, misguided attempt at social engineering.
COMM: an inspiration to us all.
2: The most egregious example of government waste is...
CONS: the Department of the Interior's $600,000 outhouse.
LIBL: the Department of Defense's $600 toilet seat.
LBRT: the $100,000,000 in emergency funds to buy air conditioners for poor people during the blistering heat wave of 1998. Although, I'm sure there are people who honestly believe that if all those air conditioners saved just one life, then it was indeed a small price to pay.
COMM: the Department of Commerce's entire budget.
3: Why do people contribute money to political campaigns?
CONS: To get a good return on their investment.
LIBL: To buy access to corruptible legislators.
LBRT: To support candidates who have views similar to their own.
COMM: To advance the needs of The Party.
4: How do you feel about artificially created food products?
CONS: I gobble them up!
LIBL: I think they might pose a potential health risk.
LBRT: Way back in the late 19th century Congress turned its learned attention on a new food product. A huge ruckus was raised by people who eyed this new creation with a deep heartfelt suspicion.
To quell this firestorm of protest (and promote the general welfare) Congress took quick and decisive action--it taxed oleomargarine.
COMM: If Mother Nature can be improved upon, for the greater good of all, go for it.
5: What is your favorite quotation?
CONS: "The entire graduated income tax system structure was created by Karl Marx," by Ronald Reagan.
LIBL: "Taxes are the price we pay for civilization," by Oliver Wendell Holmes.
LBRT: "In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another," by Voltaire.
COMM: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," by Karl Marx.
6: What are your personal beliefs about endangered species?
CONS: Spending inordinate sums on hi-tech efforts to save an endangered species is very noble, but sometimes you've just got to know when to let go.
LIBL: Let no species on life-support pass from this Earth unless every means at our disposal is spent on intensive resuscitation efforts.
LBRT: Let those who religiously believe that every species is sacred, spend their own personal funds to purchase vast tracks of virgin habitat where they and all of Charles Darwin's creatures can live together in peace, harmony and normal healthy predator/prey relationships.
COMM: For the sake of our children, and those of future generations, meticulously preserve dead endangered species specimens in formaldehyde in the major metropolitan natural history museums.
7: The Center for Public-Health Dietary Self Control releases a study that says eating just one jelly donut is as harmful to human health as smoking 10,000,000 cartons of cigarettes. Do you...
CONS: keep eating jelly donuts.
LIBL: demand that jelly donuts be removed from vending machines, and public school cafeterias.
LBRT: hoard jelly donuts before they are regulated off grocer's shelves.
COMM: hoard jelly donuts so you can sell them on the black market.
8: The proper response for jelly donut manufactures regarding the public's concerns over jelly donut's deleterious health effects is to...
CONS: hold a televised press conference, wherein the manufacturers eat jelly donuts, and feed them to their children.
LIBL: institute a nationwide jelly donut recall.
LBRT: let any consumers worried about eating jelly donuts simply stop eating them.
COMM: give total control of jelly donut manufacturing to the government.
9: My drugs of choice are...
CONS: ethyl alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine.
LIBL: marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy.
LBRT: whatever is the latest newly discovered fad drug that the D.E.A. is screaming and wailing about in the press, and warning the public not to experiment with, lest some stupid sorry soul suffer the worst of all possible fates: scrambled brains and deep fried gonads.
COMM: vodka, cigarettes, and reds.
10: What techniques are best for maintaining discipline in the classroom?
CONS: If just one student misbehaves, severely punish the entire class.
LIBL: Force boys who refuse to settle down to take psychotropic drugs, such as Ritalin and Prozac.
LBRT: Anyone who doesn't want to be in class can leave.
COMM: Anyone who doesn't want to be in class can be made an example of.
11: Endangered spotted owls are spotted nesting in New York City's Central Park. Do you...
CONS: call for an immediate return for to unfettered logging in the Pacific Northwest.
LIBL: call for an immediate moratorium on all new building construction within a 500-mile radius of Central Park, until a comprehensive Spotted Owl Habitat Management Plan has been drafted by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and approved by the Sierra Club.
LBRT: call for Central Park, and all U.S. Forest Service land to be sold to the highest bidder.
COMM: call for Central Park to be confiscated by the U.S. National Park Service.
12: What are the greatest books of all time?
CONS: - "More Guns, Less Crime: Understanding Crime and Gun Control Laws", by John Lott
- "Bias: A CBS Insider Exposes How the Media Distort the News", by Bernard Goldberg
- "The Skeptical Environmentalist: Measuring the Real State of the World", by Bjorn Lomborg
- "The Roosevelt Myth: A Critical Account of the New Deal and Its Creator", by John T. Flynn
- "America the Way it Ought to Be", by Rush Limbaugh
LIBL: - "The Feminine Mystique", by Betty Friedand
- "Unsafe at Any Speed; The Designed-in Dangers in the American Automobile", by Ralph Nader
- "The Population Bomb", by Paul R. Ehrlich
- "Eco-Catastrophe!", by Paul R. Ehrlich
- "End of Affluence: A Blueprint for Your Future", by Paul R. Ehrlich
- "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations", by Al Franken
LBRT: - "Free to Chose", by Milton and Rose Friedman
- "Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight for Women's Rights", by Nadine Strossen
- "Separating School and State: How to Liberate America's Families", by Sheldon Richman
- "Facts, Not Fear: A Parents Guide to Teaching Children About the Environment", by Michael Sanera and Jane S. Shaw
- "Waiting to Inhale: The Politics of Medical Marijuana", by Alan W. Bock
COMM: - "Communist Manifesto", by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engles
- "Quotations from Chairman Mao Tsetung", by Mao Zedong
- "Free Land:Free Love: Tales of a Wilderness Commune", edited by Don Monkerud
13: What are the greatest sexual manuals of all time?
CONS: - "The Joy of No Sex: Handbook for Higher Pleasure", by Swami Bhaktipada
LIBL: - "The Joy of Sex", by Alex Comfort
LBRT: - "The Joy of Solo Sex", by Harold Litten
- "Recreational Sex: An Insiders Guide to the Swinging Lifestyle", by Patti Thomas
COMM: - "Group Sex", by Ann Arensberg
- "The Ins and Outs of Orgies", by Jack S Margolis
14: What should people not be allowed to do in public?
CONS: Offend the sensibilities of others.
LIBL: Offend the sensitivities of others.
LBRT: Offend the sensibilities of yourself.
COMM: Offend the sensitivities of the authorities.
The rest at
http://www.geocities.com/donaldjhagen/humoroustest.htmlI read this whole thing today and thought it was pretty good lighthearted humor.
Trust me they get alot better.
