Maintenance Complaints

[gear]

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

[Spiked]

 - good stuff

[Pooface]

lmao!:aok

[Mace2004]

A really good Navy gripe was this:

Problem:  Airplane flys squirrley
Solution:  Removed and replaced the seat-stick interconnect unit


But the best was this:

Problem:  Aircraft failed to return from night flight
Solution: A799--Could not duplicate on deck, next aircrew check.

Sundowner 200 (a VF-111 F-14A) had been lost at sea due to a hydraulic system failure during a night flight.  The aircrew were recovered and, maintaining their sense of humor, wrote up the gripe.  However, the Maintainance Chief and I did them one better.  

I was the schedules officer as a young LTJG and put a senior LCDR named Bear Puryear on the flight schedule the next day with a really junior pilot.  Bear was well known for not being very bright, very gullible and also a pain in the butt for young JOs and the maintenance troops.  He was also known as someone who didn't "pay attention to detail".  The Maintenance Chief assiged 200 to Bear and his nugget pilot.  They "read" the book and the pilot questioned the gripe.  Bear, who obviously wasn't paying much attention, just muttered something about it not being a night flight and that another crew could worry about it later.  They went up to the flight deck where, of course, they couldn't find the plane.  Bear went back down to maintenance control and and the Chief told him that it was still on the hangar deck and he could do the preflight down there and ride up to the flight deck with it on the aircraft elevator.  Bear couldn't find the plane on the hangar deck either so back up to maintanance control.  The Chief told him he just missed it and it was already on the flight deck ready for him.  Of course, he went up, (working up a major sweat by now) hunted all over the deck and still couldn't find the plane.  He was finally humbled enough to ask the squadron flight deck crew where Sundown 200 was  A Seaman Recruit, who spent his day dragging tiedown chains around the flight deck, wasn't in on the joke and pointed at the sea behind the ship.  Bear disappeared to his stateroom and we didn't see him the rest of the day. He never bugged me or the Maintenance Chief again.

Mace

[ClevMan]

                   

[flakbait]

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: Whole aircraft smells like BBQ
S: Ground Checks OK

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano
 

I'll see if I can find the whole list. There's another dozen or so that aren't on this one.


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Flakbait [Delta6]