Air Traffic Talk CAN Be Fun

[rogwar]

Remember this is just for fun  

Here are a few little stories to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).  

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing when his approach speed was just a little too fast.

San Jose Tower:  "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach:  "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?  

Delta 105:  Long pause followed by a thick southern drawl, "Well, I've got something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle though."

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Unknown Aircraft:  "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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Tower:   "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ...  by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower:  "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff.  Contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.  We've already notified our caterers."

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O'Hare Approach Control:  "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...  I've got that Fokker in sight!"

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speed bird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt.  Speed bird 206, clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed bird 206: "Stand by a moment ground.  I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: "With some arrogant impatience, "Speed bird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!"

Speed bird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944... But in another type of Boeing...  I didn't stop."

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I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany.   I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.  This was the conversation I overheard (I don't recall call signs any longer):

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.  Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could
answer)  "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[-towd_]

god this is funny <S>

[Gunthr]

Good stuff  

[jedi]

US C-130 pulls up behind Lufthansa Airbus holding short for takeoff clearance, at Frankfurt (whose runway is shared by Rhein-Main Airbase).  Herk crew notices that, incredibly, the Airbus' landing gear safety pins ("Remove Before Flight!") are still installed, which will lead to the Airbus having to land again, at considerable expense.  Hoping to spare the airline crew the embarrassment of broadcasting this, they try to use "stealth mode"...

"Frankfurt Tower, Herky 26, holding short.  Can you ask the Lufthansa crew ahead of us to come up on Winchester?" (Frequency 303.0, often used for "unofficial" discussion between pilots).

"Lufthansa 103, tower, did you hear the Herky?"

"Tower, Lufthansa 103, could you kindly inform the Herky that we are PROFESSIONAL aviators here at Lufthansa.  We have NO time for idle chitchat.  Danke."

(Laughing) "Tower, Herky 26 again!  Kindly inform the Lufthansa "professionals" that they have left their gear pins installed!"

Tower(Laughing harder): "Ja, Herky, I think they have copied that!"

C-130 crew, now ROFL, then notices Lufthansa ground crew car proceeding at a VERY high rate of speed toward the Airbus...

 

[LJK Raubvogel]

Funny stuff  

[Fox29]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of        Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.


Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, DIVERT YOUR course."

Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...that's one-five-degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure
the safety of this ship."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

I know this has been floating around for awhile and I don't know if its true or not, but it is kinda funny..  

[Mickey1992]

While that is really funny, it is unfortunately an urban legend.

The USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN-72) was in the Pacific in 1995 until it entered drydock in Washington where is stayed until late 1996.

I won $20 two years ago proving to a buddy that his story was wrong.  (At least I proved that it didn't happen in Newfoundland).  

[Jay_76]

DOh.  We've been waiting so long, as Newfies, to do something approaching smart and witty.  Guess we're denied yet another fine moment.

*Psst.. don't watch "This Hour has 22
Minutes"*

Jay.

[Jimdandy]

rogwar, I liked them all but the last two are my favorites.  

[bloom25]

I heard that exact story with the CV, only difference was it was the USS Enterprise.



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bloom25
THUNDERBIRDS

[Ripsnort]

Great post!

[Apache]

Probably not true but funny anyhow. I'm sure I'm screwing it up somewhere, but you'll get the picture.

Military Helo: "Tower, we are declaring an emergency! Request immediate clearance on runway L2!

Tower: "Military helo, you are cleared on runway L2. State your emergency."

Military Helo: "Tower, our tail rotor is inoperative! We have no stabilization!

As the helo makes it's approach, due to it's loss of control, one of the rotor blades strikes the tarmac and sends the helo tumbling down the runway with a godawful screeching noise and sparks flying everywhere as it passes the tower.

Tower: "Military Helo, due you need medical assistance?"

Military Helo: "Tower, we're not sure, we haven't stopped yet!"

[Ozark]

Check out the link below for more.  

 http://www.avweb.com/toc/shortfnl.html

Ozark



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332nd Flying Mongrels

[Gman]

This one happened to me personally during ATC training waaaay back in the day:

Winnipeg Center:

"FM (foreign military) flight XXX please air file IRF" (this was my trainer talking, I was just a newbie).

FM Aircraft "Roger Center, Blackbird XXX (sr-71) filing for destination xyz, blah blah blah"..."uhhh...requesting flight level six zero zero".

Winnipeg Center (all of us quite interested now) :" Roger, pal if you can get to six zero zero, you can have it" (everyone laughing in the background).

FM Blackbird: "HAHA! Roger center, DESCENDING to flight level six zero zero, have a nice day"

[Duckwing6]

I heared ths one lately:

Clear and sunny day with cool temperatures that makes piston planes HUMmmmm... A C172 calls in to Center:
"XXX Center Cessna 33X Request groundspeed check !"
Center comes back: "Cessna 33X GS 125 Kts"
A few seconds later a proud twin Beech pilot comes on the air:
XXX Center Baron 253S Request groundspeed check!"
And Center responds: "Baron 253S GS 185Kts"
a few seconds later a studly Navy Aviator calls in:
"XXX Center Hornet 24 request groundspeed check!"
"Hornet 24 gs at 490kts!

after that last conversation a few seconds pass before a distant voice comes up:

"Center Blackbird 11 requests groudspeed"

"Blackbird 11 your groundpeed is 1752kts.... ok any one else wanting a groundspeed check?"

 

DW6