Heard a good one? Post'em here!

[xrtoronto]

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job.  There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a
suitcase.  So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"  Little Patrick told
him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom
you were pulling out.  Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too.  And I'll be damned if I'm staying  here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

[Airscrew]

 old one but

[Stringer]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3-way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders
that modern education are coming up with! Why, theyactually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

 
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into
the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3-way through the
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, Son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this! They've had such good results with this program that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"


"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got
out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the
recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with
that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that dog before he talks to
your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad."

"That's my boy."

[SunKing]

A guy walks into an empty bar. Gets a beer and the bartender goes into the back to stock.

Suddenly he hears "That shirt looks nice on you". Looks around, doesnt see anyone, the tv isnt on. But he disregards it. Couple min later he hears "Have you been working out? You look fit".

Really confused he calls to the bartender. Bartender comes back. Guy says "Man are these walls thin or something I could swear I hear someone talking to me"

Bartender says "Nah, thats just the peanuts..Theyre complimentary"

[Yeager]

Horse walks into a saloon and up to the bar for a drink.  Bartender comes over and says "hey, why the long face?"...........badda bing splash!!!!

[Seagoon]

Little guy walks into a pub with a sad expression and his hat in his hands. He stops at the entrance and says, "Excuse me, but does anyone own the great big Rottweiler outside?"

The biggest man in the room stands up and says, "Aye that's my dog."

The little man gulps and says, "ah well Ah'm sorry to tell you this, but ahhhh, Ah'm aftraid mah dog just killed 'im."

The big man's eyes bug out, and he says "Your dog KILLED my Brutus? But he was the toughest dog around here! What kind of dog do you have?"

The little man says, "well ahhh he's a chihuahua actually."

"A Chihuahua? How did your Chihuahua kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, ahhhh, I think he's stuck in his throat actually."

[Chairboy]

A girl, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
        "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
        The girl said "How about 50 dollars?"
        The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
        The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
        The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
        A short time later, the girl came to the door to collect her money.
        "You're finished already?" he asked.
        "Yes," the girl answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
        Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
        "And by the way," she added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."