Aww Beet, it pains me to see you being denied the acceptance you so desperately crave.
The problem is that people over here see you as being just a naive, city-slicker English limey. Your personal intelligence and attributes may be perfectly adequate for life across the big water, but it carries little weight in our culture.
For the small sum of $5,257, I can help you upgrade your image. Rest assured, only a small amount of that sum goes into my own pocket; the rest goes to defray expenses of the secret initiation. The high priest will only perform the ceremony if he is provided with a new sheet. Then I gotta pay the boys for catching the wild hog and gator, building the pen to hold em, gathering the poke salat, and preparing the sacrificial alter.
In addition, I provide various pariphernalia necessary to properly outfit you, the initiate: 67 Chevy pick-up; package of Red-Man; ceremonial cover-alls, Bowie Knife, catahoula hog dogs, gun of your choice (or spear if using a gun is objectionable.)
You gotta provide your own second cousin however.
While I cannot divulge the rites involved in the ceremony in this public forum, let me assure you, hardly anyone ever dies.
Once you complete the initiation, you emerge transformed, replete with New World he-man status. Henceforth, you will carry the title of Honorary South-Arkansas Semi-Cajun and River Rat.
Oh...almost forgot...you'll have to buy a couple of spitoons for the house. Your new image has to be reinforced from time to time after all.
