From a relocated texan, enjoy
White House in Crawford, TX
Like it or not, the new 'Texas White House' will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful.
1) Don't expect foi gras or pasta primavera at the local restaurant.
It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
bellybutton kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some
J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot,
Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small
lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to
let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If
anyone tried to do that they would get a serious bellybutton kicking.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen.
Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the
Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so
shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no
kidney beans, this will get your bellybutton kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Move your bellybutton on home - before we kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what
we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all
that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If
your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma.
Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you
whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your bellybutton all the way back to
Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors
open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected
of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired
grandmothers, or they'll kick your bellybutton – just like they did ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime
infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and
we'll kick your ass.
14) Don't complain about our sense of pride. There's an old saying in
Texas... "It ain't braggin' if it's true." Besides, Texas was a nation
(The Republic of Texas) before agreeing to become part of the United
States. All other states that used to be a country please stand up. No one?
Yeah, that's what we thought. So sit down and shut up before we kick your ass.
