A FIELD GUIDE TO GUN SHOWS
By The Elitist
Gun shows are an old and honored American tradition. The basic idea-putting
sellers, buyers, and stock in the same room and letting Free Market Forces
go to work-is as old as commerce, but the American form of gun show has
evolved its own manners, vocabulary, and etiquette.
Gun shows are run by and for dreamers. Every dealer who sets up a table
seems to think that the people who attend are half-wits who will happily pay
25% more than manufacturer's suggested retail price for their goods; and all
the attendees hold it as an article of faith that the exhibitors are
desperate men who have come in the hopes of finally disposing of their stock
at 30% less than wholesale cost.
In this environment it helps to have some idea what to expect; so for the
benefit of those who are so unfortunate as never to have experienced this
distinctively American form of mass entertainment, I offer this guide, the
summation of what I've learned from 30 years of show-going. I've included a
glossary of terms you'll need to know, and an introduction to some of the
people you'll meet.
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GLOSSARY
The following terms apply to items offered for sale:
MINT CONDITION: In original condition as manufactured, unfired, and
preferably in the original box with all manufacturer's tags, labels, and
paperwork.
NEAR-MINT CONDITION: Has had no more than 5,000 rounds fired through it and
it still retains at least 60% of the original finish. Surface pitting is no
more than 1/8" deep, and both grip panels are in place. If it is a .22, some
of the rifling is still visible.
VERY GOOD: Non-functional when you buy it, but you can probably get it to
work if you replace 100% of the parts.
FAIR: Rusted into a solid mass with a shape vaguely reminscent of a firearm.
TIGHT: In revolvers, the cylinder swings out, but you need two hands to
close it again. For autoloaders, you must bang the front of the slide on a
table to push it back.
REALLY TIGHT: In revolvers you cannot open the cylinder without a lever.
Once it's open the extractor rod gets stuck halfway through its travel. On
autoloaders, you need a hammer to close the slide.
A LITTLE LOOSE: In revolvers, the cylinder falls out and the chambers are
1/4" out of line when locked up. There is no more than 1/2" of end play. For
autoloaders, the barrel falls out when the slide is retracted. If the barrel
stays in place, the slide falls off.
GOOD BORE: You can tell it was once rifled and even approximately how many
grooves there were.
FAIR BORE: Probably would be similar to GOOD BORE, if you could see through
it.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK: May function sometimes if you have a gunsmith replace
minor parts, such as the bolt, cylinder, or barrel.
ARSENAL RECONDITIONED: I cleaned it up with a wire wheel and some stuff I
bought at K-Mart.
ANTIQUE: I found it in a barn, and I think it dates from before 1960. Note
that ANTIQUE guns are usually found in FAIR condition.
RARE VARIANT: No more than 500,000 of this model were ever made, not
counting the ones produced before serial numbers were required. Invariably,
RARE VARIANTS command a premium price of 150% of BOOK VALUE.
BOOK VALUE: An ill-defined number that dealers consider insultingly low and
buyers ridiculously high. Since no one pays any attention to it, it doesn't
matter who is right.
IT BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER: I bought it at a flea market or yard sale two
weeks ago.
CIVIL WAR RELIC: The vendor's great-grandfather knew a man whose friend once
said he had been in the Civil War.
SHOOTS REAL GOOD: For rifles, this means at 100 yards it will put every shot
into a 14" circle if there isn't any wind and you're using a machine rest.
For handguns, three out of six rounds will impact a silhouette target at
seven yards. In shotguns, it means that the full choke tube throws 60%
patterns with holes no larger than 8" in them.
ON CONSIGNMENT: The vendor at the show does not own the gun. It belongs to a
friend, customer, or business associate, and he has been instructed to sell
it, for which he will be paid a commission. He has no authority to discuss
price. The price marked is 50% above BOOK VALUE. All used guns offered for
sale at gun shows, without exception, are ON CONSIGNMENT, and the dealer is
required by his Code of Ethics to tell you this as soon as you ask the
price. (A BATF study has proven that since 1934 there has never been a
single authenticated case of a used gun being offered for sale at a gun show
that was actually owned by the dealer showing it.)
I'LL LET IT GO FOR WHAT I HAVE IN IT: I'll settle for what I paid for it
plus a 250% profit.
MAKE ME AN OFFER: How dumb are you?
TELL ME HOW MUCH IT'S WORTH TO YOU: I'll bet you're even dumber than you
look.
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