I kind of enjoyed this 1.
http://www.sandmonkey.org/2006/03/29/my-aunt-the-jews-and-the-tsunami/ "My Aunt, the Jews and the Tsunami!"
As some of you may know, I am a big fan of conspiracy theories, especially ones started by Egyptians. In Egypt I have heard some of the craziest conspiracy theories ever, and I am actually proud of that, because it shows that we, as people, have a huge imagination, an asset that I believe remains largely untapped. I swear that if you give people here the means to, they will produce some of the world’s greatest fiction. It will be majorly anti-Semitic fiction, but hey, entertaining nonetheless.
While some conspiracy theories stand above the fray, my favorite conspiracy theorist has to be my dear crazy aunt. She is a mean and jealous woman who spent her life trying to spread misery to others, especially my mother, and why my mother hasn’t disowned her yet remains a mystery to me. But that’s besides the point.
She has been unemployed and veiled by choice for the past 6 years, opting to spend her time making her husband and kids’ life miserable, which is why they are almost never home. So, in order to pass the time, she reads lots of books, mostly of the kind that you would find in downtown Cairo street booksellers. Basically books on Koranic magic ( of the “ketab el katkoot lefak el marboot” variety), the conjuring of Jinn, how Islam is right on everything and Christians and Jews are idiots, and how the Jews are to blame for everything. The woman became infamous for her talks with family members on how the Jews control the stock market using the Kabala magic, and how, if you look very quickly to your left or right side, you could see the Jinn sitting next to you, and that the only reason Bush promoted this port deal, was because the UAE company had Jewish partners that influenced him to push it. To put it bluntly, the woman has lost her damn mind. And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that once she starts talking, she wouldn’t shut the **** up, ever. She won’t even take bathroom breaks.
A conversation with her consists of her talking for 2 hours without you even having the chance to interrupt her, while telling you how it really works in the world and how she knows the truth on everything, and how the wicked Jews are behind it all. And you better only nod in agreement or show approval, or she would talk even more, which, trust you me, is not advisable. And don’t even think of arguing with her logically, because a) she doesn’t respond to logic, b) if you do manage to beat her in any point, she will yell at you for being an insolent young-know-nothing and remind you how you should “respect your elders”.
Needless to say, she is on top of my list of relatives to avoid, and the primary reason why I regret not having an alcohol-drinking family, because at family gatherings when she is present, I- and all of the new generation in my family- desperately yearn for a drink. But especially me, because that woman has a special place in her heart for me, because she has sported delusional fantasies for 2 decades now that I would marry her daughter, and my mom- like many middle-eastern mothers- sees nothing wrong or incest-related about that. I told my mother that I would oppose this, if for no other reason at all, because that woman is my aunt because of fate, and I accepted that as god’s cruel joke, but I will be damned if I made her my mother-in-law by choice. This had little or no effect on either’s woman’s resolve I fear, and I feel that the only way to shut them up and get that idea out of their heads at this point is to marry someone else, preferably Jewish, just to piss them off. That was the plan till very recently..
….until I heard her latest conspiracy theory.
Did any of you know that the Jews were behind the 2004 Tsunami?
No? That’s because you don’t know my aunt.
You see, the jews were not happy about their current complete and total control of all arab governments (“Read the protocols of zion, it’s all there, mr. skeptic” she would tell you if you objected) and they wanted to kill muslims in non-arab Islamic countries as well. “That’s how wicked they are”, she would interject. They apparently decided to target Islamic Asian countries, and especially Indonesia, because it’s the largest one, and figured out that the best way to do it is using nuclear weapons. But afraid of the world turning against them, they decided to be all jew-like and sneaky about it, and blow the nuclear weapons deep under the ground, thus causing artificial earthquakes that kill thousands of Indonesian muslims and their neighbors. They have done that for years no apparently, and even though those earthquakes kill non-muslims as well, none of those dying are jews, which makes it fine by them. This has been going on since the early 1990’s, she would inform your ignorant ass.
The 2004 Tsunami was a turning point for them, she informed us, because it was the first time they 1) used more than 1 nuclear weapon in creating their earthquake and-I **** you not- 2) deployed their weather-control technology, to direct the waves to Islamic countries. The plan was a great success, as we all know, as is the main reason why the Bush administration jumps when the israli government says so. Apprently the USA is now terrified of Israel’s newfound technology, which will only mean “more defeat and humiliation” of arabs and muslims everywhere on the hands of America.
Yeah!
When she told us this at my Mother’s Birthday, I remember being incredibly silent for a minute, and then I asked her “Well, if the Jews rule the world, can cause earthquakes and control the weather, ehh, why do we bother worshiping god then? I mean, you make them all god-like, we might as well worship them instead, no?”
She, of course, called me an insolent young-know-nothing.
I looked at my mom, and I realized that she was silent on the whole thing and didn’t show an opinion. My mom’s aunt, another member of the “Jews-rule-the-world” book club, was quick to second what my aunt said as “the truth”. My mom’s other aunt was quick to join in by saying that she too has apparently heard it said from scientists, and since I am no scientist, that means that they are right and I am wrong. “Don’t mind him”, my aunt said, “they brainwashed him when he was in Boston. We all know and heard about that Jewish Harlot you used to date!”
“Which one?” I wanted to ask, but decided it wasn’t a smart move at this point.
It was then and there that I decided that I will never, ever, ever, get married. Well, not as long as my mother’s side relatives are alive and part of the family that is. I mean, I was born into this family, so there is nothing I can do about it really. But it would be a cruel and unusual punishment to bring someone else into this crazy circus, let alone someone jewish. They would probably plot to kill her if anything. No need.
But yeah, the Jews are behind the Tsunami, people.
Just thought you should know!
