First of all, Vudak, it's nobody's business to tell you how to mourn, or even if you should. Your natural reaction is your natural reaction, and it's perfectly human and A-Okay.
I hesitate to write about this stuff because it's not exactly something to be proud of. By far. It's embarrassing. And it's deadly serious, which tends to bum people out. It shocks me to this very day. Probably always will.
Casual party conversation never leaves me with the desire to respond: "You think telling your boss that, dammit, you quit, is crazy? Try jamming the umpteenth dirty needle in your arm and then shootin' the syringe straight up to make blood designs on the ceiling the night before the landlord comes by for inspections." Try mentioning that your girlfriend wore out all of her veins, and begged you - crying - to shoot her in the neck. Try telling them that you did - because you understood - and that she immediately went unconscious and that you hurriedly finished off your own rig before calling an ambulance because once the ambulance came, the gig was up.
(she recovered, mid-dial, and we went to bed like nothing happened, only to do it all over again another day).
It makes me want to throw up just writing about it. And that wasn't near the worst of it. Not by half.
It's a whole nuther world. Addicts call people like you and me now "Normies."
Normies are people who know how to exist within the parameters of a civilized society. They go to school, then graduate, get a job, get married, have kids, pay bills, take their kids to Disneyland, retire. Normal stuff..... which seems utterly absurd and unappealing to anyone with a drug problem.
Because the best voodoo hypnotizing techniques and the bloodiest torture chambers in Syria haven't got a thing on that first, second, third, and 400th blast of heroin. I did triple that.
You begin to lie to yourself like you never could to anyone else. It becomes your world as familiar and as solid as your closest friends and your loving but bewildered family. The catch being that you give both of those up for it without a thought.
There's the odd gnawing empty feeling, but overall, you don't care one bit. By that time you're used to gnawing empty feelings and you know exactly how to alleviate them.
Now, everything out there becomes alien, uncomfortable, and undesirable. Your health, plans, and passions are of such unconcern. You wake up in the morning praying to god that you woke up after the dealers did....... because it's no fun waiting a couple of hours for them to deliver. That just meant two hours in the middle of a beautiful July morning freezing and puking in the toilet.
Sounds fun, right?
But we'd wake up, day in and day out, to do it all over again, and again, and again.
Any one of you might say "That's retarded." And you'd be right. But you wouldn't be addicted to heroin if you did.
It's just insane....
How does one overcome it? That's a fantastic question, because not I nor any professional I've met knows the answer to that. They know what tends to work, and they do an amazing job. And for anyone with a shred of hope left, the sight of that rope is a godsend.
There was alotta commotion when I outed myself with this problem here on the BBS a few years ago. And once again I tearfully give my thanks to Funked who drilled it into my head that there was no substitute for going to rehab. I'd heard of, like, Betty Ford and stuff, but I never did make the connection. I really had no idea that there are clinics and organizations and people out there who could help me with this.
Anyways.... I wrote a post here saying that (woohoo!) I was on my 3rd day of being clean, though a wreck, and that I was toughing it out. What a naive.... dumb thing to say, looking back. And the following two weeks were spent in a daze of drug use harder than before.
Uhm.... I'm getting a bit tired of talking about this. I'll pick up the rest soon. Maybe in a couple of days (it's funny now to say that it probably won't happen tomorrow because I've got a golf tournament, lol), but if the mood doesn't strike me later on tonight, I'll wrap it up over the weekend.
