Airplane humor

[Ripsnort]

Stolen off another site:

     A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway, spinning rapidly in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

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     The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger that. Give me four thousand dollars worth!"

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     PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United 586 had a chance to object to the impersonation!

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     After landing with his approach speed just a little too high, a DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout. The tower said, "American 751, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

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     A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

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    It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City:  KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."                   Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."   KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"  Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well ... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

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    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."                   Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead  animal on the far end of the runway."                   Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 ...                   did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635,                   cleared for takeoff ... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

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   "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."                   United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got that Fokker in sight."

[bloom25]

Here are some more jokes for all of you.  They were forwarded to me by 609358.

I'll paste the e-mail here:

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some
squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from
the maintenance crews.
 
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
 
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
 
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
 
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
 
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
 
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
 
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
 
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
 
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
 
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
 
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
 
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
 
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be
serious
 
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Hope you enjoy these.  

[eazydweeb]

also stolen from elsewhere:

TWR:"...D-XYZ enter control zone via Echo 1 and 2! Do you have HOTEL ??.."

D-XYZ:"...No Sir, we stay with my sister in law..."


N XYZ:<arrogantly> "..Tower please call me a fuel truck !!.."

TWR: "...OK! N XYZ YOU ARE A FUEL TRUCK!!.."

and finally:

FEELING LIKE A WOMAN:

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The
plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightning. The passengers are
screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all
going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't
take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped
into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is
there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles
and starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge muscles even
in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand
and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you
interested?"

She eagerly exclaims, "YES!"

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "HERE. IRON THIS !!."

 

[BBGunn]

What did German WW2 pilots eat for breakfast-----------?
Luftwaffles!

[bloom25]

hehe, just putting this thread back on top so others can enjoy it.  

bloom25
THUNDERBIRDS