"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
- Jeff Foxworthy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a noodle, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them?"
-Marilyn Pittman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
- Conan O'Brien
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
- Roseanne
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
-Johnny Carson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodriguez
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution yet."
-Mae West
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Suppose you were an idiot...
And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
- A. Whitney Brown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
- Roseanne
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
-Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the
front lines.
They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You
see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those
uniforms.'"
-Elayne Boosler
***********************************************
"I want to know what good is a web search engine that
returns 324,909,188 'matches' to my key word. That's like
saying, "Good news, we've located the product you're looking
for. It's on Earth." -Bruce Cameron
***
"Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie
shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another
million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a
mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs
are singing and dancing?" -Jay Leno
***
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he
realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely
hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. -Douglas Adams
*********************************
"Caucasians do things differently at their weddings than
Mexicans do. Like, they send out invitations ahead of time.
See, we pull up to the corner, "Hey Chuy! My cousin Carlos
is getting married. Follow me!'" -Debi Gutierrez
**********************************
A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said,
"is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey,
Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!"
There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat
more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next
one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."
