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Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official company business. These policies are effective immediately.
Transportation
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strongly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained for traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges may provide shelter in the periods of inclement weather.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as General Nutrition Centers and Piggly Wiggly stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should seed establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at you leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating of other costly preparations.
Entertainment
Entertainment while on travel is strongly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." Such action will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality extended to our customers who visit our facility shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshments can be provided to our guests.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.
