Monkey joke

[Saintaw]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink,
and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the
place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto
the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it
whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue
ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey
with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his
butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out
that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Skuzzy]

LOL!  That is just sooooo wrong on sooooo many levels.

[storch]

[SunKing]

A roast beef sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

[Saintaw]

Another one for jackal:

Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK, where are you from, jack-a r s e?" <-- circumventing Skuzzy filter

[eagl]

Papa tomato, mama tomato, and baby tomato walk down the street.  Baby tomato falls behind.  Papa tomato squashes baby tomato and says, "ketchup".

[Airscrew]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
    The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in
    amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday.
    Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles!!!