always partial to this one...
Interview with: Nylon
Moe: (The name "Nick Nylon" is as synominous to Hollywood costume
designers as the cpid "Nylon" is to alt monkeys. Being somewhat of a
classic film buff and, admittedly, an alt monkey I was anxious to visit
with Nylon.
He lives in a stylish apartment building not far from Universal
Studios.I had barely raised my finger to the doorbell when an obviously
anxious Nylon flung open the door, waving his arms expansively and
smiling broadly. He's of average height, slightly overweight with a
puffy appearance about his face. His lips are large and pouty. Dressed
in an elaborate pink bathrobe, complete with fringe around the edges,
NYLON looked the part of a Hollywood costume designer-plump, out of
shape and gay. We seated ourselves o_n a white leather sofa in his
immaculately decorated living room. Seated o_n the floor in a corner was
a young man of approximately 18, skinny with dark hair, who was fully
engrossed in a pile of LEGOs. He gave no indication he was aware of my
presence.)
Moe: Thank you, Nylon, for granting me this interview. I understand you
are o_ne of the top costume designers in Hollywood today, besides being
an accomplished pilot o_n Air Warrior.
Nylon: It's my pleasure, Moe. Welcome to our home. (To kid playing with
LEGOs in the corner) Ronnie, would you like to say hi to Moe? (Stares at
Ronnie for 30 seconds, but Ronnie stares intently at his LEGOS,
muttering to himself, ignoring Moe and Nylon) Well...(sighs heavily) I
guess Ronnie just wants to be a snob...(waves hand)
Moe:I see Ronnie really likes those LEGOs. What are you building there,
son? (looks at Ronnie, who continues to ignore them completely)
Nylon: Oh, forget it, Moe. He just took his medication, so he won't talk
for another half hour.
Moe: I see. Is he related to you?
Nylon: Well...yes, kind of. I "adopted" Ronnie from Morocco over the
Internet. I sponsor him for residency, and as long as he does whatever I
say I won't tear up his green card. (Giggles)
Moe: I wasn't aware you could adopt people from foreign countries over
the Internet. And why Morocco?
Nylon: Well, to adopt a Greek boy they do a background check o_n you. A
Moroccan boy was my second choice. I asked for something Medeterranishish but not too...ethnic, and I got Ronnie. (frowns, begins pouting) I was so excited when I saw his picture I didn't read his biography. See, Ronnie is emotionally disturbed. Why, he makes Robert Blake look normal! The poor, poor boy...(sighs) When he first came here I spent hours and hours just holding him, trying to calm him down...(sighs) But...(claps hands) ENOUGH about Ronnie. This is all about ME! (giggles)
Moe: So..You are a big Hollywood costume designer! What are some of your
credits?
Nylon: (places cigarette in long cigarette holder, lights it, crosses
legs, daintily exposing o_ne knee) WELL Moe....(exhales smoke, strikes a Greta Garbo pose) I prefer doing the actors over the actresses. I've worked with alot of the biggies..Jim Neighbors, Rock Hudson, Richard Gere... My last movie was "Gladiator" with Russell Crowe. I did his helmet.
Moe: That movie had great sets! You designed his helmet?
Nylon: No silly...(giggles) I said I DID his helmet! (giggles) It's a
joke..Get it? (blushes)
Moe: (blushes) Uh...no, I don't get it...Uh....
Ronnie: (muttering to himself in corner, holding 2 LEGOs)
...bbbbeeecccchhhhhhh........ ........
Nylon: Why, Ronnie! How is your LEGOs project doing?
Ronnie: (muttering louder, obviously getting frustrated)
..BBBBEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH...... .PEE PEE!!!!..............
Moe: (looking worried) Is he OK there? Nicky?
Nylon: (to Moe) Yes...but just in case, cover your shins. If he gets too
agitated he'll try and bite your shins. (to Ronnie) Ronnie, you didn't
PRETEND to swallow your medicine, did you?
Ronnie: (screaming, scattering LEGOs everywhere) BBBEEEEECCCHHHH PEE PEE
PEE PEE BEEEEEECCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (screaming, throwing a fit)
Nylon: Ronnie! What have I told you about spitting your pills out? Bad
boy!
Ronnie: BBBEEECCCCHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (screaming, crying) PEE PEE!!
Moe: He's not dangerous, is he? (stands up)
Nylon: Moe! Don't stand up!
Ronnie: (spots Moe standing, begins crawling snake-like towards Moe's
shins) BISH! PEE PEE!
Moe: Oh *****! (Jumps up o_n coffee table just in time to escape the bite
of the serpentine Ronnie) Nylon! Do something!
Nylon: Yoo-hoo! Ronnie! Wanna play your favorite game? The ***** game?
Ronnie: (quits slithering o_n the floor, jumps to his feet) BISH GAME!
BISH GAME! (jumps around excitedly)
Nylon: (to Moe) I'll be right back (prances after the dancing Ronnie
down the hall where they enter a room, returns a minurte later without Ronnie)
Moe: Man, how can you handle that? He is a load. Did you see that? He
tried to bite me!
Nylon: (sighs heavily) Oh yes, the poor boy is a load. But he has
his...tender side, too. BUT... (claps hands)...ENOUGH about Ronnie. Let's talk about Me..Nicky Nylon!
Moe: Great! Nicky, your detractors accuse you of being an alt monkey who
only cherry picks. How high do you fly?
Nylon:I NEVER fly over 50k. Unless, of course, I am grabbing. And I
NEVER cherry pick. There ARE no cherries in Hollywood! (giggles)
Moe:What plane do you prefer?
Nylon: It depends o_n my mood. Sometimes I feel like I need a huge
gun...so I'll fly an A8...Other times I want it REALLY FAST, so I'll fly a Pony... Occasionally I want that BIG GUN REALLY FAST, so I fly a Dora...(giggling) how do YOU like it Moe?
Moe: (blushing) Hmmm..uh... What do you hate most about Air Warrior?
Nylon: That red screen. I look TERRIBLE in red!
Moe: Well, thank you for the interview, Nicky.
Nylon: You have to LEAVE? Already? (pouting)
Moe: Well, yes, I really should be going now.
Nylon: (jumping up, grasping Moe's hand) Oh, COME o_n! Watch me fly!
Moe: Well...OK.
Nylon: (giggles,leads Moe by the hand down hallway) C'mon Moe!! (enters
room where Ronnie is seated in front of the computer) Ronnie, it's my turn.
Ronnie: (ignoring Nylon, typing o_n computer) BISH...PEE PEE...HAN
JUB.....LoLoLoLoL.......GuStA pHo RuLeZ...BISH
Moe: (looking over Ronnie's shoulder) Hey Nylon! Ronnie is playing Air
Warrior!
Nylon: (disgusted) Oh I know, Moe. I can't keep him off the computer.
(to Ronnie) Ronnie, you have to take turns. I get to fly now.
Ronnie: (ignoring Nylon, typing) BISHRELOGE BISH PEE PEE BLOE BISH
LOLOLOL GuStApHoRuLeZ BISH!!
Moe: (notices Ronnie is flying at 35k) Wow! Nylon, Ronnie is at 35k!
Nylon: (to Moe) Oh yeah, he's just asking to get picked. (to Ronnie)
Give me the joystick Ronnie!! (grabs stick)
Ronnie: (hanging o_nto the joystick with a death grip) ME FLY!!! ME
FLY!!!BISH!!!!ME FLY!!!! (squealing loudly)
Nylon: (growing quickly fatigued wrestling Ronnie for the joystick, lets
go) Fine then, Ronnie! I'll just turn off the computer then!
Ronnie: (ignoring Nylon,chuckling, typing) BISH SUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEEE PEE
PEE GeNeRaLzRuLeZ BISH PEE PEE
Nylon: (hand o_n wallswitch, staring at Ronnie) Last chance RuAmL...Are
you going to share the computer?
Moe: RuAmL???
Ronnie: (ignoring Nylon,chuckling, typing) BISH PEE PEE GeNeRaL RuLeZ
EaT sAlAd BzzzzzBICHES LMAOLMAO
Nylon: OK then Ronnie...If I can't play, YOU can't play! (switches
computer off, motions to Moe to leave the room, closes door gently behind them)
Ronnie: (from behind closed door) BISH!!!!PEE PEE!!!! BOOTED!!!!!!!
(screams loudly)
Moe: Uh....Ronnie is RuAmL?
Nylon: Moe, this was supposed to be MY night! He ruins EVERYTHING! Stay,
Moe...He'll fall asleep soon...Would you like some Chardonnay?
Moe: Uh...No, thank you. I have to go now.
Nylon: But I didn't get to tell you about serving as Jim Neighbors' personal valet in Las Vegas! (pouting)
Moe: That's OK, maybe next time.
Nylon: You never even saw me fly! (pouting even more)
Moe: That's OK. o_nce you've seen o_ne alt monkey, you've seen em
all...(exits to sounds of Ronnie screaming)
Moe: (And so I left Hollywood, California, grateful my shins remained
unpunctured, feeling somewhat sorry for what Nicky Nylon has to go through trying to handle Ronnie Ruaml, but, oddly enough, I couldn't help but think of an old kids' playground taunt, albeit with a few variations, o_n the entire flight home:
Two little alt monkeys,
Sitting in a tree,
P-I-C-K-I-N-G.
