Hospital funnies.

[Maverick]

ACTUAL WRITINGS FROM HOSPITAL CHARTS
1. The patient refused autopsy.
       
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
     
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
       
4. Note: Patient here recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very
    angry when given an enema by mistake.
       
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
       
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
       
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
       
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
       
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
     
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
     
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
     
12. She is numb from her toes down.
     
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
     
14. The skin was moist and dry.
     
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
     
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
     
17 Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
     
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
          until she got a divorce.
     
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
     
20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.    
     
21. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
     
22. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities!

[jhookt]

lol  funny stuff. there used to be something similar to this floating around, it was a list of discrepancies found and reported by airline pilots.


edit:

found it


Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[nirvana]

Good stuff.  The airline ones were good too.

[Debonair]

vintage spam

[lukster]

This one's probably old too:

Deep Thoughts

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like.... Night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.

10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
happened.

18. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

[Rino]

Again the mysterious Quantas with the targeting radar..apparently
this is one airline you don't want to mess with

I recently had a colostomy operation that created a large incision scar
from my belly button extending about 10cm south.  When I went into
a sub-acute care facility afterwards, a nurse asked me what the incision
was for.  I replied it was part of the colostomy operation.  She said that
it was not and also asked me what the doctor did down there.

At this point I got a little wise and replied.  Well the incision wasn't there
before the operation and had appeared after.  As to what the doctor had
done down there, I said it was difficult to tell as I was unconcious at the
time...maybe he lost his watch or something