Author Topic: Joke thread (Read 1067 times)

SirLoin · « **Reply #30 on:** November 07, 2007, 03:03:47 AM »

What's black,white and red & crawls on the ground?

a wounded nun.

SirLoin · « **Reply #31 on:** November 07, 2007, 03:15:39 AM »

Two aircraft mechanics are sitting around bored in the maintenance hanger at Detroit Airport..

One says to the other..."i heard if you drink jet fuel,you can get a great buzz with absolutely no hangover"

The other guy doesn't believe him but they both agree to smuggle a pint of jet fuel home and each give it a try.

The next day the phone rings at the home of the first guy.."Did you get a buzz off the AV gas?"

"Yeah..Great buzz and no hangover" said the second mechanic

"Did you fart yet?" said the first guy?

"No,why" said the second mechanic.

"I'm calling you from Mexico"

AKIron · « **Reply #32 on:** November 08, 2007, 07:54:42 PM »

An amish boy & his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Captain Virgil Hilts · « **Reply #33 on:** November 08, 2007, 09:06:16 PM »

A guy sits down next to a girl in a bar.

Guy: I'm going to buy you a drink.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After I buy you that drink, I'm going to get to know you better.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After I get to know you better, I'm going to take you to my apartment.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: When we get to my apartment, I'm going to make you another drink.
Girl: No, you're not.
Guy: After you finish your drink, I'm going to make love to you, and I'm not going to use a condom.
Girl: OH YES YOU ARE!

Captain Virgil Hilts · « **Reply #34 on:** November 08, 2007, 09:07:48 PM »

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Heck is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?

She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle
Grow'."

Captain Virgil Hilts · « **Reply #35 on:** November 08, 2007, 09:11:32 PM »

A man and his wife are sitting in their living room, and the wife says "Honey, I went to see a plastic surgeon today, and I've decided I want a boob job." The man says "Well that's just great, and how much is THIS gonna cost me?" The wife says "About $10K, but we'll both love it". The man says "Why don't you rub a little toilet tissue between your boobs a couple of times a day?" The wife says "Will that make my boobs bigger?" The man says "Why not? It worked on your butt!"

E25280 · « **Reply #36 on:** November 08, 2007, 09:17:19 PM »

That last one reminded me of this one:

A woman is in the shower one morning when her husband of 7 years walks into the bathroom, and then steps into the shower with her. As they are lathering each other up, he cups both her breasts in his hands, and says, "You know, honey, if you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to use a bra." The woman is understandably upset, but bites her tongue and says nothing.

As they are toweling off, the husband starts to caress his wifes bottom, first with one, then both hands. Just as she is starting to get in the mood, he plants a hand on each butt-cheek and says "You know, honey, if you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to use a girdle." She is devestated, but still says nothing.

The next morning, it is the wife who joins her husband in the shower. She immediately grabs his member and says, "You know, honey, if you firmed this up a bit, I wouldn't have to use your brother."

Thruster · « **Reply #37 on:** November 09, 2007, 06:03:00 AM »

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with the runs?

The epileptic shucks between fits.

Thruster · « **Reply #38 on:** November 11, 2007, 04:29:38 AM »

I can't count how many conversations that joke has ended over the years.

rabbidrabbit · « **Reply #39 on:** November 15, 2007, 04:31:20 PM »

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120
times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked ! to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, incapital letters,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."