Santa, I hope my annual letter finds you well. Me? Not so much. I am crying as I write this. (Got maced.)
I get so sad this time of year. Some say it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I think it has something to do with $53K in credit card debt and a bench warrant in Collin County. What do you think?
Can you believe I am a year older? I know that you don't age because you are powered by dark forces and Intel, but mortality really blows. Let's face it. I might not be alive long enough to see an Olsen twin die. Actually, I take that back.
Some may think it is crazy that a grown man still believes in Santa, but I will hit those people with a mallet and soup while singing "Bingo was his Name-o" on horseback. Who's crazy now, Claus? I dare you to look at me.
I was arguing with one of my buddies about you yesterday. He said if you could deliver all your presents in one night then you must be omnipotent, but I bet you can still have sex.
Most Merciful Santa, will you look into your magic snow globe and tell me the true meaning of Christmas, and also how the Rangers will do next year? Write back.
I must confess that at one time I doubted you. I once laced your cookies with horse tranquilizers. The next morning, we found my dad passed out in the storage shed in a pile of presents. I guess he learned not to mess with you! I can't believe he tried to steal the presents you left and put them in the shed.
My father used to encourage me to believe in you. He used to say:
"If you stop believing in Santa, he won't bring you presents."
"If you stop believing, you will die."
"If you question Santa one more time in front of your sister I am going to cut you."
Jolly Elf, I am not going to ask for toys this Christmas. I am so over that. In the Bible it says, "when I was a child I spake as a child, and when I became a man, I thought the word spake sounded funny." I ask that you give all my presents to other kids this year, Santa. Preferably blonde ones from middle-class backgrounds.
I hope you have a great Christmas this season, or are you Jewish? I never thought to ask. That's crazy. Santa, Jewish? (That's like saying Jesus was Jewish!)
Anyway, take care and Merry Christmas.
