“As long as you’ve decided to drink all day there’s nothing wrong with starting early in the morning.”
“ODD FACT: When two women with different colored hair walk together on a sidewalk, the one with the darker hair will always be position closer to the curb.”
“I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.”
“I like the fact that rap musicians are killing each other. I don’t have a problem with rap music; it’s just that I like the idea of celebrities killing each other. Wouldn’t it be great if Dan Rather snuck up on Tom Brokaw and stabbed him in the head? Or image Julie Andrews putting rat poison in Liza Minelli’s triple vodka when she gets up to go to the bathroom at Sardi’s. Here’s a great one: Richard Simmons and Louie Anderson grab Rosie O’Donnel and choke her to death. It’s fun just to think about, isn’t it?”
“Can anyone explain to me the need for one-hour photo finishing? YOU JUST SAW THE THING! How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like “a little while ago”?”
“If the reason for climbing up Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?”
“People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.”
“I enjoy watching re-runs of Saturday Night Live and counting the dead people.”
“I’m tired of hearing about innocent victims. It’s fiction. If you live on this planet you’re guilty. Period. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.”
“I don’t think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”
“Road rage, air rage. Why should I be forced to divide my rage into separate categories? To me it’s just one big, all around, every day rage. I don’t have time for fine distinctions; I’m too busy screaming at people.”
“Murder investigators say that in most cases husbands kill wives, wives kill husbands, children kill parents and parents kill children. Thank god for a little sanity in the world.”
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.”
“When you read about all the presidents who had affairs, you feel sorry for Gerald Ford. Apparently no one wanted to have sex with him. Except Betty. And she was drunk a lot.”
“Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And they somehow always found him a table.”
“No one who has ever had Taps played for them has been able to hear it.”
“A crumb is a great thing. If you break a crumb in half you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn’t that violate some law of physics?”
