This is something From waaay back I thought you'd all enjoy.
From Moes Corner in the old Air Warrior Days.
Interview with: Steve
Moe sits down with Steve, aka Glans....
Moe: (Bellingham, Washington is a very pretty city, due in no small part
to the constant rainfall. I met Steve at a local watering hole called
Floyd's as per his request. We arrived at exactly the same time and
introduced ourselves in the parking lot. Steve was driving a pick-up
with boxes of what appeared to be household items and personal
possessions in the back. Steve is a short, stocky man with a slight
beer belly of about 35 years of age. He was dressed in jeans, a plain
white T-shirt and boots. His flat top haircut gave him a somewhat
redneck appearance, and there was no doubt, upon looking at him, that he
is definitely a blue collar worker.
We seated ourselves at the bar where the bartender placed a draft
beer and a shot of Jack Daniels in front of him without being asked. It
was obvious Steve was a regular at Floyd's. I declined the bartender's
offer of a drink.)
Moe: Thank you, Steve, for allowing me to interview you.(trying to make
small talk) I noticed your truck has alot of moving boxes in it. Are you
moving?
Steve: (draining shot glass of whiskey) No problem, Moe. It's my
pleasure. (to bartender) Another one, Floyd...(to Moe) Yeah, poop, I'm
moving again. It's the second time in the last two months I've had to
move. (downing shot) I'm going through a divorce, and my last roommate
didn't work out. (to Floyd) Another one, Floyd.
Moe: I'm sorry to hear you're going through a divorce, Steve. What
happened?
Steve: (downing shot) I met another woman and my wife found out about it
and kicked me out, the *****.(to Floyd) one more...
Moe: Really? (looking dubiously at Steve, who doesn't exactly look like
Romeo) Another woman? Are you kidding me? Was she a co-worker?
Steve: No. I first met her over the Internet. I fell in love with her
immediately, but it took me a year of saving my beer money before I had
the six thousand bucks it took to buy her, plus another four hundred
bucks for shipping and handling. (drains shot glass, Floyd refills it
without being asked)
Moe: Steve, I'm confused here. Shipping and handling?
Steve: Yeah, Moe. Shipping and handling. See, she was a high tech,
anatomically correct FEMALE. (drains shot glass, motions to Floyd for
another) She was beautiful too, Moe...pretty green eyes, a great body,
skin as realistic as my ex wife Agnes's was only without the warts...
Moe: (finally catching on) You spent SIX GRAND on a LOVE DOLL?
Steve: (defensively) Hey, Beverly was a lot more than a love doll! She
NEVER rejected me, she listened to my problems, and the sex was GREAT!
(drains shot)
Moe: You said you found her on the Internet...Where exactly?
Steve: At
http://realdoll.comMoe: Six Grand??? And you named her Beverly?
Steve: (impatiently) Yeah Moe. poop, I'm trying to tell you what
happened here.
Moe: (to Floyd) Two more shots here, Floyd. (to Steve) So your wife
kicked you out over your love dol...er... over Beverly?
Steve: Yeah, Moe. (drains shot) I hid Beverly in the crawl space under
the back porch. Agnes played Bingo every Thursday night, so Beverly and
I would get together then. A little drinking, a little dancing, a little
romance..I tell ya, Beverly and I were so happy together. My life was
perfect. Agnes to fix my meals, Beverly to give me the female
companionship I so needed....(drains another shot)
Moe: Agnes was....(nodding to Steve, drains shot)
Steve: Agnes was my WIFE, Moe. For Christs sake, pay attention!
Moe: (to Floyd) two more, please. (to Steve) So how did Agnes find out
about Beverly?
Steve: (downing shot) Well, one day Agnes brought home a kitten. Hell, I
was at work when Agnes found Beverly. That damn cat crawled under the
back porch and Agnes went after her. She saw Beverly laying there in the
craws space and she panicked. See, she thought Beverly was a real person
and that she was dead, so she called the cops.
Moe: Steve, she looks THAT REAL? (to Floyd) Two more shots, please- and
make them doubles.
Steve: Hell, not only was Agnes fooled, but the cops were fooled too.
Moe: No poop? (drains shot, signals to Floyd for another) She looked
THAT real?
Steve: (looking Moe directly in the eye) Moe, she FELT real, too.
Moe: Damn....So what did the cops do?
Steve: Well, I got home and there were cops and crime scene tape
stretched out everywhere. Hell, even the coroner was fooled by Beverly.
He was checking for a pulse and he pronounced her dead. The cops
questioned me and arrested me on the spot.
Moe: They ALL thought she was real?
Steve: Yeah, Moe. I had to talk fast to convince them I hadn't killed
anyone, but eventually they figured it out and had to let me go. They
all got a good laugh out of it though.
Moe: (draining shot) Damn, Steve. So no wonder your wife was pissed.
What'd she do?
Steve: She ripped off Beverly's finger, stripped her naked and tossed up
both out. (drains shot)
Moe: Ripped off her finger and stripped her naked? WHY??
Steve: Well, I had stolen some of Agnes's jewelry and a few items of
clothing. When she saw her wedding ring on Beverly's finger she went
ballistic and tore her finger off getting her ring back.
Moe: So where did you go?
Steve: Well, I moved in with my buddy SHawk. It was great, too. We played
alot of Aces High and drank alot of beer, and things were working
out.(drains shot)
Moe: Damn...she looked that real.....(drains another shot) So what
happened at SHawk's place?
Steve: Well, I came home early one day and I caught SHawk and Beverly.
They were..they were..(squeezes eyes shut, shakes head at the memory)
They were...making love. I went crazy. My best friend...My
girlfriend...Seeing them...like that...(drains shot)
Moe: What did you do?
Steve: What happened after that is kinda blurry. I remember grabbing a
butcher knife out of the kitchen and I cut that cheating *****'s head
off. Man, I went absolutely crazy. See, I loved Beverly...I'm sorry now
I did it.
Moe: (horrified) You killed SHawk? By cutting off his HEAD?
Steve: Huh? No, Moe, I didn't cut SHawk's head off.... I cut Beverly's
head off! SHawk did what ANY man would do if they had a chance at a
woman like Beverly.Plus he's my CO, and he's a damn good wingie. But
Beverly was just lying there...letting him do it...I don't think she
struggled at all. In fact I think she ENJOYED it! I HAD to kill one of
them, and Beverly was the obvious choice.
Moe: Damn...(draining another shot) So what did SHawk do?
Steve: Oh, he got all pissed off and threw me out. I grabbed my stuff
and left in a hurry. Damn, he was mad...We haven't spoken to each other
since I caught them together. (drains shot)
Moe: Woha...So where is Beverly now?
Steve: She's in a box in the back of my truck.
Moe: (drains shot) Uh...And you say Beverly is anatomically correct in
every way?
Steve: Yep. She came from the factory with three openings.
Moe: How cool...So you can even have...uh..oral sex with her?
Steve: Not any more. When SHawk kicked me out he kept Beverly's head.
(And so Steve and I shared several more shots of Jack Daniels and we
never did get around to talking about Air Warrior. We did talk about the
difference between what is real and what is virtual reality, though, and
how the line between fantasy and reality grows dimmer every day.
That...and we talked about how I could save six grand....)
Moe
