Passing of a relative

[Mustaine]

my grandfather on my father's side passed... I AM NOT looking for a bunch of "sympathy" posts, I actually have a question for some of you.

Some of you know I lost my mother a ways back. I have lost a parent, and know what it is to go through. I was a freaking wreck.

quick side note / history: all family members still alive that I could know (mothers father passed when she was 10, I never knew him... mothers mother passed in early 90's I was 21 or so, and it did nothing to me... mother was youngest of 7, I have aunts that are over 80... Every family member I could know exception of the 2 listed are still alive and kicking, the oldest aunt is still working for cripes sake)



My dad has been a wreck about this. I don't know how to feel. I wasn't that close to my grandfather, he lived 3000 miles from me my entire life.




I guess I have to ask, how many of you have lost someone extremely close to you, then when someone else goes you feel like you have no more sorrow or sympathy to go?

I hope I don't sound like a cold blooded callous person, it's just after my mother passing I don't have any emotion at the funerals I have been to for friend's family members and such. tomorrow I am driving to upper Michigan for the wake and funeral, and honestly all on my mind is I am booked in a hotel that is non-smoking, I am going to freeze to death tomorrow night (forecast is high of -7F tomorrow night) going out for a smoke.

anyone ever feel this odd or in a similar position?

[Masherbrum]

Nothing callous about it.   We all handle this stuff differently Dave.   

Just support your pop as best as you can.   He needs you right now and for a stretch.   You already know this, but you know what I meant.   

    Sorry for the loss.   Give your pop a hug and tell him "Jay says his family is keeping friends and family in his prayers."   

[Chalenge]

There is no passing that makes sense or that goes easy. The absolute worse one to lose is the one that absolutely depends on you for everything and that gives you unconditional love. Theres just nothing that makes the pain stop with a loss like that.

Sorry for your loss. 

[CAP1]

my grandfather on my father's side passed... I AM NOT looking for a bunch of "sympathy" posts, I actually have a question for some of you.

Some of you know I lost my mother a ways back. I have lost a parent, and know what it is to go through. I was a freaking wreck.

quick side note / history: all family members still alive that I could know (mothers father passed when she was 10, I never knew him... mothers mother passed in early 90's I was 21 or so, and it did nothing to me... mother was youngest of 7, I have aunts that are over 80... Every family member I could know exception of the 2 listed are still alive and kicking, the oldest aunt is still working for cripes sake)



My dad has been a wreck about this. I don't know how to feel. I wasn't that close to my grandfather, he lived 3000 miles from me my entire life.




I guess I have to ask, how many of you have lost someone extremely close to you, then when someone else goes you feel like you have no more sorrow or sympathy to go?

I hope I don't sound like a cold blooded callous person, it's just after my mother passing I don't have any emotion at the funerals I have been to for friend's family members and such. tomorrow I am driving to upper Michigan for the wake and funeral, and honestly all on my mind is I am booked in a hotel that is non-smoking, I am going to freeze to death tomorrow night (forecast is high of -7F tomorrow night) going out for a smoke.

anyone ever feel this odd or in a similar position?

if your dad's a wreck about this, just do your best to support him in any way you can...or any way he needs you.


to answer your question.......

i never knew my dad. when i grew up, mom, my brother, and me all lived with my grandparents. mom always had at least 2 jobs to support my brother and i. accordingly, our grandparents raised us more than mom did. don;t get me wrong, i do realize how much mom loves us, but she just wasn't able to be there 99% of the time. \

 lost my grandfather 16 years ago. it felt like a kick in the gut, then someone cut me open, and ripped everythign out of me. i was 30. i lost my grandmother about 8 months later. i had that same feeling all over again. if i think too much about it, that feeling comes back. THEY were the two people i cared most about in the world, and would've gladly traded places if they could've been allowed to live.
 i really don't look foward to mom's passing, as i feel the same about her(although we argue a lot when we talk gfor more than a couple minutes). i didn't have too many people that i could talk to, so i kinda retreated "inside" for a bit. work was hard, and i pretty much was only going through the motions.

 time is the only thing that heals.

and no, you;re not being cold blooded. it's just your way of dealing with this type of event.

good luck, and stay warm.

<<S>>

[texasmom]

Doesn't sound odd.  When I lost my paternal Grandma (who I was not close to at all), I went to her funeral to provide support to her children (who I AM close with), not to express my own personal grief at her loss.  So being there for your Dad is just as much of a show of compassion in the loss; I know he'll appreciate you for it.

[Mustaine]

thank you all for the insight.... sorry for the wall-o-text this is my only outlet



I guess something I failed to mention, I am on meds and that is a minor point.... but at the same time relevant.

a few months after the loss of my mother I came to a realization. I dont know if I have any more emotion to give. it came to me with my best friend's grandfather dying. I was almost closer to him that my best friend, as he was a WWII Polesti raid vet, and I was totally intrigued / interested in his past. there was a moment I never mentioned to his family that he mentioned no one has ever expressed as much interest in his past as I did.

I took his flight certification, and a bunch of other documents and laminated them for him.

when he passed I felt a real loss for America and humanity, but no sadness. it was time, and he had passed on (a bit to me) some information on what it is to be a man, be a human, and be an American.

My grandfather was a WWII vet too, a trainer in Texas is all he told about. anyway, I am just befuddled as to what to do.

be there for my father... i hope to do my best, and move on.... I just don't know if I have anything left to give.

<S. sorry i am drunk to the gills and am rambling. thanks for listening and responding. <S>

[oakranger]

My wife's Dad, who was hit by a car Dec. 18, 1007.  He was a recovering alcoholic, bipolar and battling cancer.  I try everything to get him from stop drinking.  He was a State Rep of Kansas for 13 years, and a dam good one.  Good friends with current Kansas State Gov. and current U.S. Congress representing Kansas.   

Then my mom's mother.  She was a wonderful women to me.  I was 13 when she die.  I remember a few months before she die, she thought i was 1 years old and start talking polish to me.  I never heard her do that nor did my mother knew that she can speak the language. 

[crazyivan]

neither of my grandparents are doing well. but haggin in there. man take care!

[Curval]

Dude, I wept harder when my dog died than when my grandparents died, which may seem weird...but it's the truth.

Loved them all, but none of them were closer to me than that dog and he died in my arms.

So, not callous at all IMHO.

[MORAY37]

Life is for the living.  That about sums up my feelings on the subject.

[druski85]

Very interesting Mustaine.  I've always felt the same thing, but have never heard anyone else voice it.  Didn't really think the BBS would be the place to hear it, to be honest.

My father passed when I was only 9, from a pretty rare cancer. Since then I have lost many friends/relatives.  I have been to more funerals than most people twice my age...but all the same after my father's, none of the others ever really struck me.  I was saddened for the other people suffering -- for example the friends and family of the deceased at a given service -- but felt very little grief myself.

15 years later, I still can't quite decide if my callous nature vis a vis death is a strength or a weakness.  Lately I've considered it to be an asset, as I am able to remember the best aspects/memories of those who pass without being overwhelmed by grief. 



Thank you for the post, truely.

Druski

[Shuffler]

We all handle things differently. Just be there for your father... know it or not it will help him through his grief.

[Saurdaukar]

Nothing callous about it.   We all handle this stuff differently Dave.   

I agree - and I think I'm probably pretty similar.

I don't deal well with emotion of any kind, personally, so I have a tendency to tune it out, entirely.  In a case such as yours, Id be more focused on being there for my father than anything else.  Since my sole remaining grandparent is 95 years old and is my father's father, I'll be in your shoes again soon enough.

<S> Dave