Miracle Grow or Whatever?

[ghi]

I am looking for a material or fertilizer to make a itty bitty evergreen in my back lot grow to 80 foot tall in two years or less.

Any suggestions?

 One of my neighbours has a nice landscaping /driveway screen with bamboo, and i live in Windsor, Ontario . I can't believe this tropical plant can survive over winter in 10-20 degrees F. It's losing leafs in winter time, but becomes  green again in march -april. Bamboo is the fastest growing plant on earth; tree hugers are considering  "green" all kind of stuff made from bamboo, it reaches maturity and can be harvested after 4-5 years of growth, kind of renewable. Some species  of bamboo grows over 3 feet/day can reach 90 feet/year, but not here in Canada.

[Bodhi]

I think 80 feet is a little beyond what you will get (by at least 65 feet) even with the best fertilizer. 

Well, from what I have heard, you can get 80' tall evergreens inside of 2 years...

Not sure, but gonna try.   

[Bodhi]

Bodhi,

You need to hire a very talented artist to paint a translucent spruce tree on the sliding glass door.

Once done, you can have any sized tree you want by simply changing position in the room.

shamus   

Tried that, even painted B-24's coming through with it, and the missus said it looked as though the trees were still to small...

what's a man to do at this point...  I say I'll grow 80 foot tall evergreens in two years!

[Angus]

Saw one in Germany last autumn. 1 year and it was some 15 feet!
You will need some potassium as well as N and P. Look for an organic substance, that you can get into the soil.
(The chemical will burn the roots)

[uptown]

Fish emulsion....back in the day my "evergreens" would grow a foot a month. The "pine cones" were quite large by the 8th month.

[Curval]

One of my neighbours has a nice landscaping /driveway screen with bamboo, and i live in Windsor, Ontario . I can't believe this tropical plant can survive over winter in 10-20 degrees F. It's losing leafs in winter time, but becomes  green again in march -april. Bamboo is the fastest growing plant on earth; tree hugers are considering  "green" all kind of stuff made from bamboo, it reaches maturity and can be harvested after 4-5 years of growth, kind of renewable. Some species  of bamboo grows over 3 feet/day can reach 90 feet/year, but not here in Canada.

...and it's strong as heck.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wrldvoyagr/347786033/

They use it on skyscrapers too.

[Delirium]

I am looking for a material or fertilizer to make a itty bitty evergreen in my back lot grow to 80 foot tall in two years or less.

Any suggestions?

What species of evergreen? Most of them will not grow to that height in that short a time and those that do never get full enough to really provide any kind of concealment.

[Curval]

What species of evergreen? Most of them will not grow to that height in that short a time and those that do never get full enough to really provide any kind of concealment.

"Evergreen" is like a code word I think.

Kinda like "I'm trying to grow these ummm....tomatos...but they just not budding...errr...blooming.  How do I get big fat sticky...I mean.....juicy...umm..buds... sorry....tomatos."

[Kuhn]

Wont that kind of growth make for a weak trunk? Pine is already one of the softest woods.

[ODBAL]

So now nitrogen (a naturally occuring element) is illegal?

Nitrogen is the portion of miracle grow that actually works.

Wow..........  I officially retire from obvious stupid comments.

[Joker]

Heh....ghi beat me to it.
I was gonna say rip out the evergreen and plant a few small bamboos.
Little sun, little fertilizer, and they will grow like crazy.
Let me know and I'll send you all you want...but be careful what you wish for. 

  Joker

[Rich46yo]

I heard some short guy got a hold of some dust from some Queen in a place called "Lothlorien" and he made some trees grow very quickly with it. I forget his name, heard he went overseas in a sailboat.

If you want something to "grow fast" then get some teenagers. Just remember to keep the fridge stocked.

[Angus]

No evergreen tree would actually grow like that in 2 years. but I think that the word refers to something else.

[Chalenge]

Wow..........  I officially retire from obvious stupid comments.

I didnt realize you were going for obviously stupid comment. 

[SPKmes]

I think uptown has sort of covered this. Not sure if you know what a Kina is .... oh yeah they are also known as sea eggs. In any case just, collect and crush a heap of shellfish Kina also if possible. You want enough to probably 1/4 -1/3 fill a 10 or 20 liter bucket and top up with water. Make sure you have a lid and keep it outside. keeping it in the sun is good because you want it to ferment. You can use this straight off. after it has had time to ferment a little ( you'll know when it is truely at it's prime) you can decant a bit...say 1L into a 2L bottle and top this up with water and use as you would to feed your plant. With the brew you have made just keep adding water and from time to time some more shell fish and you'll have a continuous supply of the best plant food, and to top it all off you'll keep the greenies happy. Although this is an amazing growth food the type of tree you are trying to grow from all accounts only grows up to 12" per year.