Author Topic: Jokes Part 2  (Read 432 times)

Offline ebfd11

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4151
      • [b]POTW[/b]
Jokes Part 2
« on: November 28, 2009, 02:02:29 PM »
One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a SOB.

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a b%^&.

16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

28) Fighting for peace is like fu#$% for virginity.

29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes your wife easier to live with.

36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.

37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
PIGS ON THE WING 3RD WING

InGame id: LawnDart
RIP Skullman Potzie and BentNail

Offline Mustaine

  • Parolee
  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4139
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2009, 02:10:57 PM »
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.


Both true ROFL!
Genetically engineered in a lab, and raised by wolverines -- ]V[ E G A D E T ]-[
AoM DFC ZLA BMF and a bunch of other acronyms.

Offline Serenity

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 7313
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2009, 03:13:49 PM »
One-Liners

11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


My favorite!

Offline Nemisis

  • Persona Non Grata
  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4086
      • Fightin 49'ers
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2009, 07:18:11 PM »
1) the difference between soldiers and diplomates is soldiers are good at what they do
2) running in battle isn't cowardice, its smart. The same applys to fighters, its smart to be moving.
All man needs to be happy is a home, his wife, and a place in the world

Col. 49Nem, Armor commander of the 49th

Offline 68ZooM

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6337
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2009, 07:19:55 PM »
Never be a one legged man at a Arse kicking contest
UrSelf...Pigs On The Wing...Retired

Was me, I bumped a power cord. HiTEch

Offline Nemisis

  • Persona Non Grata
  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4086
      • Fightin 49'ers
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2009, 07:21:35 PM »
the extinct are gods rejects.
All man needs to be happy is a home, his wife, and a place in the world

Col. 49Nem, Armor commander of the 49th

Offline 68ZooM

  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6337
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2009, 07:36:08 PM »
The Gene Pool could use a little more Chlorine
UrSelf...Pigs On The Wing...Retired

Was me, I bumped a power cord. HiTEch

Offline Nemisis

  • Persona Non Grata
  • Platinum Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4086
      • Fightin 49'ers
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2009, 07:42:32 PM »
Not on us I hope. We've survived a long time, and there is no replacment. Plus, who would keep the zoo animals in line?
All man needs to be happy is a home, his wife, and a place in the world

Col. 49Nem, Armor commander of the 49th

Offline MrRiplEy[H]

  • Persona Non Grata
  • Plutonium Member
  • *******
  • Posts: 11633
Re: Jokes Part 2
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2009, 04:44:50 AM »
This line is so true too:

6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. –W. Clement Stone