Wrote a another short ... A CHRISTMAS PORK ROLL

[LYNX]

As some of you know I've been writting a little.  This short (1,600 words) story is fictional and called A Christmas pork roll.  It contains lite swearing.  I've posted on this link to save space here. 

http://barronbourne.blog.com/
 
Please let me know what you think.   

 

LYNX
Steve B

[mechanic]

Once again i see more clear evidence that you have talent, Lynx. I'm going to have to read it again in the morning. I thought about coffee and pork roll to aid a second innings but i don't want to sleep through all the snow in the morning
one thing that stood out:

Mats slightly irritated replied. ‘Oh! Come on mate, you said sooner the better.  This way that way, no witnesses…right?

Mats slightly irritated 'reply' - or - Mats, slightly irritated, replied - is it meant to be?  damn thats petty nit picking, but it kinda made me stop and think where as the rest really flowed.

[LYNX]

Thanks for checking it out.  Yer..the later.  I'll amend it now.  Without giving it away to any new readers did the twist at the end work?   Or had you worked it out with the subtle hints?

Cheers
Steve

[LYNX]

Did the edit and juggled with the ending.  Should read a lot better now.

[mechanic]

I liked the twist, I was certain i was reading something from the other side of the fence, so to speak. It was a real twist, and believeable. I didn't see it coming even though i know there would be something i was not expecting. found  typo i think, if ya can be bothered to re-edit.

'and his lifelessly legs receiving' ?

[GFShill]

Nice twist; way to smack the bobbies!

I prefer to write about living people, myself.

http://www.playerpress.com/articles/medal-of-honor-football-style

http://www.playerpress.com/articles/seattle-at-denver-funny-things-happen

http://www.playerpress.com/articles/inspiration-

You don't have to understand the sport to understand the message in the articles.  The message is universal to all sports.

[LYNX]

I liked the twist, I was certain i was reading something from the other side of the fence, so to speak. It was a real twist, and believeable. I didn't see it coming even though i know there would be something i was not expecting. found typo i think, if ya can be bothered to re-edit.

'and his lifelessly legs receiving' ?

Thanks for that.  Glad the ending kicked in as I wished.  This fictional story was inspired by an old work mate of mine.  The charactor Mats is my mate.  He told me about this sort of stuff that went on.  The venue is real... well it's a shadow of it's former self since the landlord left.

GFShill  nice bit of reporting of those near frozen half naked women.  Bet you have a reporters touch line security pass don'tcha.     If I can offer a tip without causing any offence.  Don't start a sentence with "it"... you'll find it beneficial.

[GFShill]

Advice noted! 

No pass yet, but the league will be sending me one for the next home game on Jan 15.  Right now the players are working hard on their responses to my questionnaires for the next few pieces.

[deSelys]

Noticed a small typo: "He wanted to brake free"

But a good short story, was fooled until the end