Medical Jokes (Something ALL of us can enjoy)

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A man walks into the ER one night thinking he is terminal. The doctor takes him back for a look and the man says "doc, it hurts everywhere."

The man pushes down on his leg and says "here."

The man pushes down on his arm and says "here."

The man rubs on his scalp and says "here."

When the man pushes down on his abdomen, the doctor watches him very closely. The man says "it even hurts her-!"

-"Dude, your finger is broken."

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Feel free to add your own 

[Dichotomy]

Some of the boys got together to play poker one Saturday night. After about four hours of playing, Jim had severe chest pains and suddenly he slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jim had died of a heart attack.

None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jim's wife. Finally Floyd said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."

Floyd rang the bell at Jim's house. When Jim's wife answered the door, Floyd calmly said to her, "Jim just gambled with us and lost $1,000."

When Jim's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jim to just drop dead!" Floyd replied, "That's exactly what he did."

[phatzo]

[Dichotomy]

fixed

    * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Blooz]

I said. "Doc, every morning I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I look in the mirror and I want to throw up! What's wrong with me?"

He says, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect!"



Bah doom boom!

Thanks to Henny and Rodney.

[Penguin]

Worried Wife: Doctor, doctor is my husband alright?
Doctor:  I don't know, let me check
Worried Wife: Wait, is it bad, is he dead?
Doctor: I haven't checked someone's vitals in years, so easy does it *Stabs Huge Fifteen Inch Saw into patient's head* He is now!

-Penguin

[phatzo]

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife’s going
To have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
Lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly
I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.(Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX)

[5anders]

Worried Wife: Doctor, doctor is my husband alright?
Doctor:  I don't know, let me check
Worried Wife: Wait, is it bad, is he dead?
Doctor: I haven't checked someone's vitals in years, so easy does it *Stabs Huge Fifteen Inch Saw into patient's head* He is now!

-Penguin

 

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Joke

I've heard that one.