henny youngman...
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
