More Aviation Humor

[AKKuya]

You might be a redneck pilot if;

you've retro fitted a gun rack in your Cessna 172

your stall warning horn plays Dixie

you have tobacco stains on your empennage

you're wondering "what the heck is an empennage?"

you've ever called a female ATC controller "darlin"

you hangar your airplane at Kissimmee

you've ever referred to your horizontal stabilizer as "the tailgate"

your runway, taxiway and tie-down spot are the same

you've ever hauled lumber in your airplane

your A&P mechanic's name is "Bubba"

you converted your Cherokee to run on corn sqeezins (that's home-made liquor for all you city pilots)

your chief pilot is from Cullman, Alabama (just kidding Steve)

you think GPS stands for "Gators play Seminoles"

your flight plan calls for a left turn at the hog pen

you have a Cessna 150 up on cement blocks in your front yard

your multi-function display receives the Nashville Network

you keep a spare pack of Skoal in the airplane

your bass boat motor has more horsepower than your airplane's engine

your house and your hangar both have wheels

you secretly hope John Deere starts building airplanes

your CFI lives in St. Cloud (just kidding Ryan)

you turn base-to-final over the Super Wal-Mart

you've ever fantasized of flying with Dolly Parton in your airplane

you've ever bought pilot supplies at a flea market

you've ever asked a bar-tender for a Nav Light

your first solo cross-country was to Wachula

your weight and balance calculations included 5 cases of Budweiser

you've ever tried to pick-up chicks at Oshkosh

Your "plotter" sports an ad for Tractor Supply

You fly a Rollscanardly (rolls down the runway and can hardly fly)

You have a confederate flag on your com antenna



Lies we've all told:

I broke out of the clouds right at minimums

I've logged more than 2000 hours of turbine time

I've never over-loaded my airplane

I have over 2000 hours of PIC cross-country

Have you seen the keys to my G-5?

I have over 2000 hours of dual given

I have the traffic in sight

I've got over 2000 hours of multi time

I'm not interested in flying for the airlines

I've logged over 2000 hours of actual instrument time

Yes, pilots make the big bucks

I've got over 2000 hours in tail draggers

Yes, tower, I responded. You didn't hear me?

I've logged more than 2000 carrier landings

You're not picking up my squawk code? Here, let me recycle the transponder

I've logged over 2000 hours in helicopters

Yes, this is my airplane

I've put over 2000 hours on this airplane

The airport where I trained had a 500 foot grass runway

I've logged over 2000 landings on 500 foot grass runways

I have the check-list memorized

I've now logged over 2000 stupid aviation jokes


Q: What makes a helicopter fly?

A: They don't actually fly. They are so ugly, the ground repels them!


Aviation Wisdom

You’ve never got too much fuel unless you are on fire

It’s better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here

If the houses are getting bigger lift the pointy bit at the front

There is nothing more useless than runway behind you



FAA Written Exams: $80. With answers: $180

[Tupac]

 

"your stall warning horn plays dixie"

That made me spit coke all over the monitor LOL

[B-17]

you've ever referred to your horizontal stabilizer as "the tailgate"

THAT one made me harder than I have in a while!

[Puma44]

The three most useless things in aviation:

1.  Fuel in the fuel truck.

2.  Runway behind you.

3.  Altitude above you.

[AAJagerX]

What's wrong with picking up chicks at Oshkosh???  Aside from the hotel room prices that is...   

[saggs]

I've always like these:

Squawk Sheet

   

        Problem             Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
   Solution             Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
         
   Problem       Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
   Solution       Almost replaced left inside main tire.
         
   Problem       Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
   Solution       Evidence removed.
         
   Problem       IFF inoperative.
   Solution       IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
         
   Problem       Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
   Solution       That's what they're there for.
         
   Problem       Number three engine missing.
   Solution       Engine found on right wing after brief search.
         
   Problem       The autopilot doesn't.
   Solution       IT DOES NOW.
         
   Problem       Something loose in cockpit.
   Solution       Something tightened in cockpit.
         
   Problem       Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
   Solution       Cannot reproduce Problem on ground.
         
   Problem       Dead bugs on windshield.
   Solution       Live bugs on order.
         
   Problem       DME volume unbelievably loud.
   Solution       Volume set to more believable level.
         
   Problem       #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
   Solution       #2 Propeller seepage normal.
   Problem       #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
         
   Problem       F/A's complain of numerous roaches in the galleys
   Solution       Roaches deplaned
         
   Problem       3 roaches in galley.
   Solution       1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.
         
   Problem       Mouse in radio stack.
   Solution       Cat installed in radio stack.
         
   Problem       Weather radar went ape-%@#&!
   Solution       Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up %@#&!
         
   Problem       Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
   Solution       Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
         
   Problem       Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
   Solution       Pilot removed from aircraft.
         
   Problem       Pilot's clock inoperative.
   Solution       Wound clock.
         
   Problem       Autopilot drops a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
   Solution       Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
         
   Problem       #2 ADF needle runs wild.
   Solution       Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.
         
   Problem       Lower Rotating Beacon half-full of water.
   Solution       Lower Rotating Beacon topped off.
         
   Problem       Approximately 2 each wires in bundle burned.
   Solution       Removed and replaced between 1 and 3 wires.
         
   Problem       No 2 engine oil overserviced.
   Solution       No 2 engine oil under-overserviced.
         
   Problem       Aircraft handles funny.
   Solution       Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!.
         
   Problem       Target Radar hums.
   Solution       Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
         

[AHTbolt]

True radio conversation. Berlin air traffic control british airways flight 192 request taxi instructions to BA gate 10. FLIGHT 192 HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. Tower flight 192 yes I have but it was 30 years ago dark and I dident land. No further traffic from tower just loud laffing from vet pilots.

[B4Buster]

LOL!