The Rescue
There I was sitting
in 'conomy class
'tween armrests 'bout nearly
containing my arse.
(Note the apostrophes
which make my rhymes better.
Each one of them means
one-or-more missing letter!)
It's nighttime. We're flying.
To a tropical place.
Full of romance
and hookers who'll sit on your face.
I will lay by the pool
but stay inside the fence.
as I don't much enjoy
the poverty stench.
Almost six times already,
safety-card I have read.
So that if we should crash
I'll be slightly less dead.
There are manky air-meals
served by girls and gay men.
But that's quite OK.
I've got nothing 'gainst them.
As I drift into sleep
to help pass the time,
I hear all of a sudden
the safety-belt chime!
A Hostess, from cockpit,
out she comes dashing!
Her nostrils are flaring
and her teeth are all gnashing!
Her face it shows panic
in some kinda stricture?
Her makeup is running.
Well.... you get the picture.
"The pilots" she cries
"have both fallen sick."
"Who'll fly the plane?"
"We need some help. Quick!"
I raise my arm calmly
and say "Lady, don't frown."
"Take me up front
and I'll get this bird down."
(My girlfriend beside me
will think I'm a hero.
In her estimation
I'll be one up from zero!)
The Hostess she asks me
just how good am I?
My ratings and types?
How many hours in the sky?
So I take a few minutes
to explain all my skills.
The aircraft, the combat,
and number of kills.
"Mostly Mustangs" I say.
"The Corsair and Invader.
Some Spitfires and Zeros.
And of course Liberator."
As I rise from my seat
the girl wipes away tears.
It's clear that my awesomeness
calms all her fears.
As we get to the cockpit
and she opens the door,
I see both the pilots
out cold on the floor.
And then the smell hits me.
The vomit and chit.
They both ate the meatballs.
I bet that was it!
I step over the bodies
and settle right in.
Put on a headset
and check on the trim.
My initial reaction?
All the dials! All the switches!
And if we aint over land
I might have to ditch us!
I check maps and charts
and GPS too.
I know where to go
and just what to do.
I find a near airport
and get their attention
"I declare an emergency!
Just thought I'd mention."
So they talk me on down
through the clouds and the night.
Through the rain and the fog
'till the runway's in sight
Now we're settled on final.
The glidescope looks great.
The altimiter's unwinding
at an appropriate rate.
The spoilers are armed
and the throttles are chopped.
We'll soon be on tarmac.
The plane safely stopped.
Then I'll be a legend!
All the lives I'll deliver!
Like that guy What's-His-Berger
who put down in the river.
There'll be interviews, parties,
and keys to the city.
A movie deal too
and girls that are pretty.
But back in the cockpit
Oh no! What the heck!?
I'm totally naked
from my toes to my neck.
And my teeth have come loose.
There's a giant frog chasing!
Then I wake in economy.
Breath rapid. Heart racing.
It's all been a dream.
There's no money or fame.
I'm just a guy-in-the-back
of this boring old plane.
Now I'm feeling deflated
and in need of some cheer
so I press on my bell
and say "Please. Bring me beer?"
