Craziest war story you've heard...

[craz07]

haha you guys r clowns

[Zimme83]

I've recently discovered a groundbreaking advancement in the field of biomedical engineering. To say that this will revolutionize humanity is not an overstatement.

However, I lack startup capital to spread this technology. With just $5000, I will have enough to set up production, and begin changing the world, and I wish to give you the chance to get involved. As an initial  investor, you'll receive an equal share of profits, of course.

I'll simply need your personal information to set up payment, once we begin making a profit.

 Do u want to trade your mine for my company? We collect moose dropping and sell it to the Germans.

[Mar]

Hey the mine is mine! If you want my mine you'll have to give me something that I want to make mine.

[Lusche]

We collect moose dropping and sell it to the Germans.

I would be very interested in this. Knowing you two from the internet I have utmost trust in your business proposals! 

[Zimme83]

Sorry, too tired, quoted wrong post..

I would be very interested in this. Knowing you two from the internet I have utmost trust in your business proposals! 

Lol, i knew u would be in on it. Welcome onboard partner.

[BFOOT1]

My grandpa landed on Omaha Beach with the 29th Infantry Division, and in his later years as I got older he opened up a lot. He remarked going in with the second wave, that the closer the they got to shore the more bodies he saw floating in the water, some dead and some were just floating. He was near the front of the Higgins boat and he said right before they landed he could see bodies littering the shoreline and the beach.

When the ramp came down he said roughly half of the guys in his platoon got off before the Germans began targeting their boat. The MG-42's were disastrous as he said, 'Men were ripped to pieces, and in some cases he sad whole platoons got slaughtered.' He dove into a hole created by a mortar first and he low crawled most of the way to the sea wall. He told with about fifty yards left he just took off in a dead sprint. He said the German machine gunners and snipers were very accurate. He didn't really talk about clearing the bluffs because he did things he didn't want to do, but he told me about the first German solider he knew he shot. He said as they made their way up the bluffs immense fire fights broke out everywhere. They were clearing the bluffs and pushing inland when his platoon came across a hedgerow. They crouched and were getting ready to go through the other side of the hedge row when a German soldier stepped out maybe forty feet in front of him. Grandpa said he didn't even think he just raised his rifle and fired. The German soldier crumpled and lay there. Grandpa said his squad leader order his men to stay on the 'american' side of the hedge row as they moved forward. Grandpa said when he went by the German he shot that he looked like a boy of maybe 17-18, with neat black hair and two clean holes in his chest. Grandpa said he vommitted after that and that since then he'd always seen that bots face here and there. Grandpa had lots of stories about the war several which really funny, which were the ones he preferred.

[Devil 505]

My great-uncle, Michael "DeeBee" DiBisceglia, wanting to do his part to fight the Japanese, fudged the required paperwork and joined the U.S. Navy in 1942, at the age of 16. What makes this truly remarkable is that DeeBee chose the Navy so that he could serve along side of his brother Nicky - even though he couldn't swim. But DeeBee did not wind up on the same ship as Nicky, or serve on a ship at all, or even see the Pacific. DeeBee was stationed at a land base in Bermuda for the entirety of the war.

While Nicky never spoke of his part in the war, DeeBee was always ready to recount his experience - sun, sand, and frozen cocktails. 

 

[EskimoJoe]

I have found that most vets who served in combat don't enjoy talking about the actual combat part.  They will go on and on about the other parts of military life, ad nauseum.  I work with a former Abrams tank commander from the 1st Gulf War.  He never talks about actually destroying enemy tanks, though at a cookout he had several beers and finally told about it. 

The human brain is fragile.  Extreme emotional trauma and stress can damage it.  I work near Fort Knox and there are so many of the guys I work with that have PTSD that it is unbelievable.

Dave, I'm at Fort Knox right now. You're right. Half the guys that are still in are fluff'n  nuts, especially the guys in my Route Clearance unit. One of them was talking during training about how he spent three hours looking for body parts to make sure they got every piece home after their truck got hit. Really drove his point home to some of the guys.

Craz, I hate to tell you this man but it sounds like your guy is making some stuff up. I'm not saying he's full of it, but it sounds like he's full of it.

there are guys here that have killed others with shovels... don't placate yourself with bulllshit....

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[Rino]

     Best war story I ever read was a fake..but when you're a kid you'd believe just about anything
The version I read was that a P-40 was intercepted over China by Flying Tigers with a dead pilot.  It
was forced down in a paddy and supposedly had paperwork claiming it was from Clark AB that had been
destroyed and captured a tear before the event.

     Here are some articles I found describing the hoax.
http://www.warbirdforum.com/phantom.htm

http://www.futilitycloset.com/2011/05/07/the-ghost-plane/

http://www.spartechsoftware.com/dimensions/vanished/missingp40.htm

[Swoop]

The best war story I ever heard:  Reposted from AARSE


...pull up a sandbag, you ! yeah you there ! get that light swinging, sit down and I'll tell you a story about when I worked with...(looks over both shoulders furtively, leans forward conspiritally and in a hushed voice says)...THEM !

Once upon a time, long, long ago, in a green and boggy land not too far away when I was a stripling youth, I was the brainier half of a Wagtail team. As jobs went it was'nt too bad. Plenty fresh air, guns with real bullets, 50p a day danger money and sometimes we got to go to work in a choppper as we held apart the green,white and gold baddy tribe from the red,white and blue baddy tribe. Some days I could go out in 'mufti' and dressed in my plastic imitation Irvine flying jacket, brutus jeans, Derriboots with white welly socks and my riot helmet with the visor removed, I'd mount my ancient 250 Yam and head off to Lisburn for some hearts and mind action with the colleens that hung about Corkens or the like. Sometimes I'd head off for the Holdfast Disco at Castle D where the RE's had thoughtfully converted the stable next door into a Lurve Shack with blanket GS drapes and swamped mattresses from the SQMS.

It was during my time there that rumours persisted that THEY were there as well. No-one ever saw THEM. No-one had ever met THEM but the 'experts' reckoned you could tell one of THEM by the length of his hair, but, given that every squaddie there grew his hair long at the slightest excuse, you never knew whether it was actually one of THEM you had seen or just some civvy driver or other REMF. Still, the rumours persisted.

Now, one day, twas in the summer as I recall, we were out and about in a green,white and gold part of the land, spreading the peace and impartial goodwill message to the CivPop along with a section from the RHF, in shirt sleeve order, proudly displaying thier 'FOR GOD & ULSTER', RANGERS F.C.' & 'UVF,UDA,F* THE POPE AND THE IRA' tatoos for the delictation of the locals. Twas a shreckin' long, long day I can tell you and we were mightily glad to RTB that evening.

Anyway, no sooner had I kenneled and fed the oppo, blagged some tinnys from the choggi and settled down for an evening with Gloria and UTV, and the tannoy goes'
'Wagtail to the ops room, Wagtail to the ops room. That is all.'
BA*TARD !!! so off I trots.

'Evening sir, what've got for me ?'
'Ah right. They want you at so and so in an hour. QRF are waiting to take you. Oh, and they want you in civvies.'
'Civvies ? who wants me in civvies ?'
'How the f**k should I know. No one tells me f**k all, I'm only the Ops Officer FFS. Now b*gger orf.'

So 'orf' I b*ggered and got into my finest 'I'm not a squaddie, I'm one of you's' outfit and went to get the oppo.

Now, my oppo was one of the finest noses ever to graduate from Melton in the late 70's but he'd been a troubled youth. Abandoned by his parents when barely weeks old he'd ended up being drafted into the Pet Corp as an alternative to the dog pound and after four months basic he found himself on the mean streets of Derry. He'd found that first tour hard. Friend and foe alike would mock him for his lack of stature for although he had the noble head and body of a golden labrador his dad had been a pit bull or some such and as a consequence he had little short legs and a big barrel chest. He was so short arrsed he'd need a bunk up just to get into the pigs. All this and the fact that the Pet Corp had decided that this war dogs given name was to be.... Stumpy !!FFS just made it worse.
Eventually the stress got too much and after a number of collapses on duty he was diagnosed as epileptic and RTU'd to Melton for the needle........

[Swoop]

Now, as luck would have it, when my oppo was RTU'd to Melton he found that the chap who'd trained him was now the head honcho and he decided that the boy should get another chance. He decided to return him to a rural posting instead of an Urban one as it transpired that not only was he epileptic but he'd developed a psycopathic hatred of all things civilian. So, when I went to wake him that night, in my civvys, I should'nt have been overly surprised when he tore out the bed box and grabbed me by the shreckin' leg !!!

'GOB CHA !! CIBBY BABBSTARD !!! he growled through clenched teeth.
'OW, IT'S ME YE STUPID WEE CNUT !!! LEMME shreckIN' GO !!'
'HUH, SOBBY ! WHABBA FUBB OO IB CIBBYS FO ? CNUT' he snarled,
'WE'VE GORRA shreckIN JOB YA MAD WEE toejamE. NOW shreckIN GERROFF MA F*CKING LEG OR I'LL F*CKING DOB YOU !'
'CNUT !' he huffed.
'Enough !! c'mon !'

When we arrived at so and so I headed for the Ops Room,
'Evening sir, what you got for us ?'
'Ah Wagtail, yes, you've been tasked by THEM for something or other, they'll pick you up in 15 minutes and why are your trousers all torn !'
'Long story, Well this should be interesting. Never worked for THEM before and we're not supposed to work in the dark. Still, whats the job.'
'F*cked if I know son, no-one tells me anything, I'm only the Ops Officer. Now b*gger orf.'

So 'orf'we b*ggered and awaited THEM.


Now, this place, so and so, had a very small base and because the locals had a habit of taking pot shots at any vehicle entering or leaving there was a sort of drill for getting in and out. Incoming would radio ahead and as they neared the gates they'd give a couple of toots and the guard would swing them open at the last second and in you'd blast, humping on the brakes as you did to stop you ending up in the cookhouse. I know this now. Did'nt at the time tho'.

Me and the boy were sitting at the unloading bay having a smoke when all of a sudden all hell appeared to break loose. A distant toot, the guard running to open the gates and in roared this f*ck off big Datsun which screeched to a halt beside me. Down came the passenger window and out looked the scariest f*cker I'd ever clapped eyes on.
'Wagtail ?' he growled through the droopiest bandido 'tache on the planet,
'get in the back, quick !!'

They'd caught me by surprise, I'd just about toejam myself. I tried to be cool and flippant,
'Mum said I should never get into cars with strange men !'
'Gerrin the f*cking car arrsehole, now !' snarled the strangest man in the world.

We got in. A screeching three-ish point turn, a toot and a crashing of gates opening and off we shot, up the road and into the darkness.
'My first job with THEM eh? How cool is this ?' I thought.
'F*cking civvy f*cks are gonna get it !!' growled der hund as he stared at the back of thier heads.

'What the f*cks up with the mutt ?' says the strange man in the passenger seat.
'He hates civvys.'
'Well, get a grip of him. I hate f*cking dogs and stop him dribbling on the seat !'
'I'll rip his cnuting head off' snorted the Stump as I held him in his seat by the harness.

Fortunately the scary, grumpy dude in the passenger seat did'nt say much after that and the no less scary, but slightly less grumpy driver briefed me en route. THEY'd been watching some place for the baddie to come and pick up a weapon but he'd failed to trap so they wanted to recover said gat before they pulled out but could'nt pin point it. Thats where we came in. The plan was for them to take us to an RV where we'd be collected by the patrol,
'When the car stops and the lights are out they'll come to the door and get you. Just do what they say, OK ?'
'Sure, no probs.' I said, more confidantly than I felt.

Nice and easy, do as your told, dead simple, no hassle, nothing to go wrong.

Well, so much for the theory.

'I'll bite thier fcuking c*cks off !!! growled the Stump.

[Swoop]

so anyway, there I was, cruising through the dark lanes of Bandit Country with the hound growling under his breath beside me and the two scary men growling under thier breath in front of me and me, rocking back and forth, humming softly to myself and trying to find a safe, warm place in my mind as I could see this first op with THEM going completely breasts skyward when without warning the engine and lights were cut and we cruised slowly and quietly to a halt in the pitch dark.The Stump and the scary men had stopped growling at each other and the silence was shreckin' eerie.

Now, as I said, I'd been briefed as to what would happen when we stopped, but, when after a few seconds the door beside me opened, I shreckin crapped myself and stifled a girly squeal as this bush materialised from the dakness and whispered, tactically,
'Wagtail ? This way' and then reached in to grab my arm.
I had barely enough time to think 'Oh fu...!!!!' when 40 lbs of snarling fur and fury leapt across me and siezed the bush by the arm.
'F*CK BOSS !!! A BUSH ' CHOMP !!! 'GORRE bigtoe !!'
'OHYAH F*CKER !!' hissed the bush painfully.
'OH F*CK !!' hissed the two sacry men in the front.
'OH F*CK !!' I thought and wet myself.

'GET YOUR F*CKING DOG OFF MY ARM YOU CNUT' hissed the bush, urgently.
'TAKE THAT YA shreckER !!' rumbled the dog, manicly
'OH FCUK !! ' whispered every body else.

'LET HIM GO YA DERANGED LITTLE CNUT' I commanded,
'WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DERANGED LITTLE CNUT' threatened the bush,
'NOT YOU !!! THE shreckING DOG !!! ' I whispered, desperately.
'OH FCUK !!' whispered the scary men, groaningly
'GNARR, GNARR, GNARRR' growled the culprit, determindly.

The only way I could convinve the little f*cker to release the bush was to squeeze his eyeballs with my thumbs
'OHYAH CNUT !!!!' he yelped as he flew back in his seat after letting the bush go.
'OYAH CNUT !!!!' hissed the bush as he went the other way and landed on his arrse on the verge.
'OH FCUK !!' moaned the scary men in the car.

I did'nt have time to think or say anything before I was grabbed by the collar and hoiked bodily out of the car swiftly followed by the dog courtesy of the lead I still clutched and we landed in a bundle of legs, arms, paws and curses beside the Datsun's rear wheel which just about ran over my head as the scary men. who'd obviously decided enough was enough, sped off into the night.

'CNUT !! get it sorted and follow me !!' hissed the bush, menacingly,
'COME ON THEN B*STARD !!!' challenged the dog, aggresively.
'What the fcuk is the problem with that fcucking animal ?' asked the bush, equally as aggresively.
'He does'ny like civvys' I replied, miserably, 'or bushes either it would appear.'
'Cnuts !' muttered the bush as he headed off through the hedgerow, 'C'mon, follow me !'

So we did. The epileptic, psycopathic canine dwarf and his miserable, doom laden handler.


So, after a whiley, staggering through the ooloo, we stopped and another couple of bushes emerged from the darkness. The sight of them even shut the nutter up and the chief bush came over and whispered, tactically, in my ear'
'What the fcuk happened to your trouser leg ?'
'EH ?, oh that, look it's a long story. Could we just crack on with this shreckin job my nerves are shredded as it is !'

'Righ-ho' whispers the chief bush,
'here's the story ....whissy ....whissy....whissy... and we think it's over there.'
he announces, pointing into the darkness where I could see the sum total of fcuk all.
'Right' said the chief bush, when I pointed this out, 'we'll take you down to that gate. It's just beyond there.'

So away we went, the chief bush, followed by me with the dog in front of me choking and gagging, as the only way I could keep him quiet was to grip him by the back of the collar and lift his front feet off the gound.

We stopped at the gate and I tried to calm the psycopathic hoo-er down before we started searching. I did this by whispering the most blood curling threats I could think off in his lug hole and, getting him as calm as he was ever going to be, got him in a full lift and leaned over the gate to drop him on the other side to start the search.

'CRACK !!' went the top spar of the gate as it gave way under my chest.
'CRACK !!' went the second spar as my chest hit that on the way down and pitched me and the dog arrse over tit through what remained of the gate.
'OOOOHHHHHYYYYYAAAAAA FFFFFCCCCCUUUUKKKKKEERR!!' howled the dog as I landed on his soft bits,
'BOW WOW WOW, HOWL HOWL HOWL, BARK BARK BARK !!!' replied every dog in the shreckin' neighbourhood,

'CNUT !!!' hissed the chief bush in my ear as he gripped me by the scruff of me neck, 'ARE YOU FCUCKING PAIR DELIBERATELY TRYING TO MAKE A CNUT OF THIS, YOU'VE WOKEN UP THE WHOLE FCUKING COUNTY !!'
'IT'S NO OUR FAULT' I hissed back 'WE'VE NEVER FCUKING DONE THIS BEFORE AND IT'S shreckING DARK !!! WE'RE NO SUPPOSED TO WORK IN THE FCUKING DARK. !! IF YOU COWBOYS WANT DOG SUPPORT YE SHOULD GIVE US SOME FCUKING NOTICE.' desperation was making me brave !
'COWBOYS, FCUKING COWBOYS !!!!' even in the dark I could see the viens popping in his head, 'YOU'RE A PAIR OF USELESS T*ATS. I SHOULD SLOT THE FCUKING PAIR OF YOU NOW AND BURY YOU HERE !!'

As the chief bush and I traded whispered insults the Stump had recovered his composure and wandered off,

'SSSSTTTT !!! LOOK !!!' hissed another of the bushes and pointed at the dog who had his nose down at the base of a stack of bales not twelve feet from where we crouched. As we watched he snuffled back and forth a couple of times and then stuck his nose into a gap in the bales and then the tail started going ten to the dozen!! He paused for a sec and looked back to check if we were paying attention then whacked his nose back into the bales,
'BOSS, BOSS, BOSS !! A GUN, A GUN, A GUN, A GUN, A GUN, A GUN LOOK,LOOK,LOOK, LOOK, A GUN, A GUN, A GUN !!!' he excitedly indicated.

I gripped him by the harness and pulled him off,
'BOSS, BOSS, BOSS, ISSAGUN, ISSAGUN, ISSAGUN ISSAGUN !!!!' I could hardly keep hold of him.

One of the bushes stuck his hand into the space between the bales and pulled out a wrapped bundle and to a cacophany of howling and barking local dogs he slowly unwrapped the top of the thing and there its was,

'FCUKING TOLD YA, FCUKING TOLD YA, FCUKING TOLD YA, ISSAGUN, ISSAGUN, ISSAGUN, ISSAGUN !!! GIMME IT, GIMME IT, GIMME IT !!!' the Stump was beside himself. The bushes were chuffed too,
'GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY, FCUKING RESULT, GOOD DOG, GOOD DOG.!! they hissed delightedly as they patted the dog.
'I KNOW I AM, I KNOW I AM, GIMME THE GUN, GIMME THE GUN !!' replied the Stump.
Me ? I watched this unbridled scene of joy, reflected on how we had snatched a win from the jaws of certain disaster, and nearly fainted with relief !!!

The RTB was pretty uneventful and even finding that the soap dodging RHF porridge wogs had proffed my tinnies and the choggi was shut, it could'nt spoil the result. I gave the poison dwarf a treat and let him kip in the room that night and as I lay in my scratcher and watched him chew on the remains of my jeans I thought ' you're pretty good when ye wanna be ye wee fcuk'.
'Fcukig right I am,' he looked back, 'and I hauled your sorry arrse out the toejame tonight, eh ?'

[danny76]

Funniest Arrse thread ever 

[Swoop]

Jesus, I'd forgotten just how much swearing there is in that story.  Maybe Skuzzy will be kind....

[danny76]

Jesus, I'd forgotten just how much swearing there is in that story.  Maybe Skuzzy will be kind....

Eternal optimism is alive a well and living in Swoop 

I was cringing on your behalf as I was laughing reading that. Thanks