If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that
Thursday is Valentine's Day. Now that you know, this
seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit.
The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete
lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel
romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on
the Internet.
Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate
the word "romance" with "hot mamas," here's what I found
out.
HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her. Hug her. Compliment
her. Smile at her. Laugh with her. Cry with her.
Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry and
flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go
to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would
only need to show up wearing anything remotely revealing,
including a hazardous-material suit.
This may sound like an oversimplification of gender
romance differences, but it isn't far from reality. It's
always Valentine's Day for men, if you get my drift.
Women need a special day.
Because it involves a woman's feelings, Valentine's Day is
something of a mystery to men. So is the top of a box of
Cheeze Doodles, but we'll save that for another column.
The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival
for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at
"Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But
We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know
that you care. The least expensive way is to look at her
-- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love
you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't
bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal
token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good
Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words
such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and
ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free
quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes
no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view
beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect
something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters. By the way,
since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to
notice any test bites. Stay out of it.
STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you
didn't bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get
by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or
tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not
consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious
metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart
enough about women to figure out their underwear. Not
only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it
must also match any of the approximately 8 billion
feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe,
tell the clerk that you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more
than 0.002 kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can
reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door
with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your
family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least
three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So
do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you
don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the
back of my head.