Poor Father Murphy.....

[Toad]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory.  He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.  One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
 
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.  "No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
 
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.
 
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.  Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.

[Toad]

If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that
Thursday is Valentine's Day.  Now that you know, this
seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit.

The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete
lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel
romantic.  I don't know either, but I did look it up on
the Internet.

Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate
the word "romance" with "hot mamas," here's what I found
out.

HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her.  Hug her.  Compliment
her.  Smile at her.  Laugh with her.  Cry with her.
Cuddle with her.  Shop with her. Give her jewelry and
flowers.  Hold her hand.  Write love letters to her.  Go
to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would
only need to show up wearing anything remotely revealing,
including a hazardous-material suit.

This may sound like an oversimplification of gender
romance differences, but it isn't far from reality.  It's
always Valentine's Day for men, if you get my drift.
Women need a special day.

Because it involves a woman's feelings, Valentine's Day is
something of a mystery to men.  So is the top of a box of
Cheeze Doodles, but we'll save that for another column.

The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival
for men, which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at
"Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But
We Can't Kill Them."

STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know
that you care.  The least expensive way is to look at her
-- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say, "I love
you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't
bother with the rest of the steps.  You're dead.

STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal
token of appreciation.  Best of all, it's cheap.  Good
Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words
such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and
ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free
quart of motor oil."

STEP THREE: Candy.  For some scientific reason that makes
no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view
beer.  While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect
something a bit nicer.  Wrapped for starters.  By the way,
since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to
notice any test bites.  Stay out of it.

STEP FOUR: Jewelry.  A bit pricier, especially if you
didn't bother with steps 1-3.  If you did, you might get
by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or
tiara.  Keep in mind that most women, even in Utah, do not
consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious
metal.

STEP FIVE: Lingerie.  Be careful.  Few men are smart
enough about women to figure out their underwear.  Not
only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it
must also match any of the approximately 8 billion
feelings she currently has about herself.  To be safe,
tell the clerk that you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.

STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more
than 0.002 kids.  Studies prove that not even bacteria can
reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door
with a Fisher-Price toy.  Depending on the size of your
family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least
three international boundaries.

STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying.  So
do something.  Anything is better than nothing.  If you
don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot on the
back of my head.

[Toad]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year

  _____________________________ _____________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.   _____________________________ _____________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
 forgotten?
  _____________________________ _____________________

Q: How old is your son; the one who is living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

  _____________________________ _____________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
   _____________________________ ____________

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
   _____________________________ __________

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
 A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
 _____________________________ ___________

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
   _____________________________ _____________________

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
 A: What disco am I at?

   _____________________________ ____________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
 he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
   _____________________________ ___________________

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
   _____________________________ ___________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  _____________________________ _____________________

Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

  _____________________________ __________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

   _____________________________ ____________________

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

  _____________________________ __________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?_____________________________ _____________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
  _____________________________ ____________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
 notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   _____________________________ __________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
   _____________________________ ____________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
   _____________________________ ____________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
   _____________________________ ____________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
   _____________________________ _____________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
   _____________________________ _______________________ Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week."

Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few
bucks myself

[Wotan]

Do ya know what kinda meat priests eat on friday....

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NUN


(exactly seems more and more like little boys )