Here's just an example of the daft emails sent back and forth between Jenga and myself on a daily basis........
The first bit will seem kinda familiar but it gets better.
--- Jenga wrote: >
Dear Helpdesk,
A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as; Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware. He later realised he might have avoided the damage by exiting via Windows. Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period). But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive and cannot be deleted – they then resurface months (or years) later. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoe shop BrowserPro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself. He has also been tempted to avoid high costs of Wife 1.0, and any follow-on maintenance agreements, by going for AnyPro 1.0 which is not cheap but at least you pay on an as-used basis. AnyPro is prone to passing on viruses, but these can usually be prevented by loading Aruba 1.0.
Any ideas?
Swoop wrote:
Dear helpdesk, my Fiancée v1.0 is displaying attributes of wife v1.0 by automatically running Ultra STROP and WHINGE zip and no option on the Help menu seems to work. I'm concerned that the product may have been mispackaged and Fiancée v1.0 thinks it's actually wife v1.0
Jenga wrote: >
Dear helpdesk
My Finace v1.0 is not compatible with my system, Please could I have a full refund??
Swoop wrote:
Ah well there's the problem. Finace v1.0 is designed for people from Finland who wanna be aces. You'll actually be wanting Fiancé v1.0 which is packaged slightly differently and is substantially more expensive. Would you like to download the upgrade at this time? (Y/N)
Jenga wrote: >
Sorry, I meant to say Fiancé v.1.0 is knackered. Can I upgrade this at all? If possible I would like it to be fully compatible with Ironing 2.1, DIY and Freeholidays 7.3. I understand this is quite a large package
Swoop wrote:
Ah no, you've been misinformed. Fiancé v1.0 *has* a large package, but isn’t that large a package itself.
Also, Fiancé v1.0 (or all subsequent versions) are not compatible with Ironing v.xx (any version) and provides only marginal support for DIY v1.0. DIY v2.0 (more commonly known as "pay some sod to do it") is far more stable on the same platform. We have no knowledge of any package / upgrade known as Freeholidays v7.3. Fiancé v1.0 is only upgradable to husband v1.0, this also comes packaged with LazyGit v2.3 and Self Loading ‘Orrible Bastard (SLOB) v1.0 which must also be installed in order to avoid memory leaks.
Jenga wrote:
If I take up this package, can I also install 'Shed in Garden v1" Apparently this will mean I can move the LazyGit v2.3 and replace with 'AttentiveLover' v9.0 ????
Swoop wrote:
yes, that is possible. However, shed in garden v1.0 requires a substantial hardware upgrade in order to run correctly and support AttentiveLover v9.0. Namely: Unit must be kept at a temp between 20 - 23 degrees all year round, requires aircon and heating. Broadband internet connection must be fitted to shed v1.0. Shed v1.0 must contain high power CPU box and minimum 28" VDU. Any release of Shed v1.0 that contains bugs is not compatible with AttentiveLover v9.0 so in order to maintain a bug free environment it is recommended that shed v1.0 also be fitted with complete decking, wallpaper, carpet, TV, radio, surround sound system and have regular cleaning. Shed v1.0 must also be fitted with a high security firewall to stop unauthorised entry.
Jenga wrote: >
I give up
Jenga later wrote:
I have decided to use an alternative supplier, who has recommended 'Puppy' v1.0 as an alternative to Fiancé v1.0. Apparently Puppy is a very simple long running programme, but very user friendly and compatible with 'cat' v1.0, which is currently idle.
Any thoughts?
Swoop wrote:
Puppy v1.0 is also very system intensive, requiring constant attention in order to prevent log dumps. Puppy v1.0 also only runs for a certain period whereupon it must be auto-upgraded to dog v1.0 and may no longer be compatible with cat v1.0. An upgrade to Cat v2.0 (supercat) must be immediately installed in order to prevent system crash and loss of signal.
Jenga wrote:
I think what I will do is install both puppy v1.0 and Supercat v1.5 in the Superhome2002, and set up a link with Gardenwithpool v.140ft. This should work if I reboot Fiancé v1.0 repeatedly until PaidCook&Cleaner v1.0 appears
Swoop wrote:
Is this gonna be expensive?
