The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies
revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of al-Queda zealots
by proving the non-existence of God. Elements from the feared
Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into
the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie
among the enemy.
Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long
occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish
a number of pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines.
There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd
nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will
be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who
will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the
philosophers' ears every five minutes, waggling their voluptuous bodies
and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo,
a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The al-Queda are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue
out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking." Marc-Ange plans to deliver an
impassioned thesis on man's auseating freedom of action with special
reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.
However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation
as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in
the area. Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also
contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into
Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the
universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will
include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael
Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies.
