Stolen off some gag writer, fresh from the seaside and smelling of whelks..
I give you
>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
>
>What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
>
>A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"
>
>A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
>"Do you want a pint, Vince" he asks.
>"No, thanks" replies the artist, "I've got one 'ere."
>
>I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
>
>A man walks into doctor's office.
>"What seems to be the problem" asks the doc.
>"It's... um... well... I have five noodlees." replies the man.
>"Blimey!" says the doctor,
>"How do your trousers fit?"
>"Like a glove."
>
>Did you hear about the magic tractor?
>It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
>
>A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
>The barman says "I'm not serving you two!".
>"Why?" asked the brain.
>The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something."
>
>Answer phone message
>"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"
>
>What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
>The cold shoulder.
>
>Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
>He choked on his own vimto.
>
>A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."
>
>Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
>Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
>
>Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?
>In Iraq.
>
>Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
Thankyou!
