BROTHERS AND SISTERS, IT IS TIME.
For years we have been treated like second class citizens. We have been abused and ignored for far too long. And now that it's okay to be a geek, I demand reparations for all those years I spent BEFORE it was okay to be a geek.
In particular:
1) I demand reparations for not being allowed to sit at the COOL KIDS TABLE. This prevented my chances of mingling with the future social elite, making it impossible for me to become what I really should be: a professional male model. Yes, I may be a programmer and I may have near encyclopedic knowledge of Nintendo cheat codes, but my true existence is as one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful Men. I demand my due.
2) I demand reparations for the years of torture and pain I endured in Phys. Ed. class, merely because I was asthmatic and couldn't climb the rope fast enough. Yes, this led to me being forced to run extra laps, which the COOL KIDS didn't have to do. I demand my due.
3) I demand reparations for the tuxedo I rented for the Senior Prom and was resorted to going with Breanne Schultzmann, who was actually a lesbian and didn't put out. I should have gone out with Katie Parypa, but due to social conditions enforced by the inherently bigoted COOL KIDS I was forced to go with a latent dyke. I demand my due.
4) I demand retroactive pay for not being elected Homecoming King. It was my right, nay, purpose, to receive that cardboard crown, and instead some BIGOTED GEEKOPHOBE won it instead. This is clearly unfair and must be reckoned. I demand my due.
The way I figure it, all geeks throughout the country are hereby owed $1,009,884,129.23. Of course, when the government run by BIGOTED GEEKOPHOBE COOL KIDS finally gets around to paying us, I'll make sure that all checks are sent directly to me, and I'll distribute them fairly. Trust me.
FOR THE FUTURE.
