Kim Chong-il Takes Your Calls
By David Hackworth
1 November 2002
"Kim here. What you want?"
"This is Saddam. My head hurts and I am very confused."
"What your question, old one? Here in North Korea we not confused at all!"
"Well, Kim, it's like this. The Bush league hates me, I can't seem to throw one over the plate, and the hot dogs just don't taste the same anymore."
"Quit your stupid American baseball talk. Mr. Bush sold the baseball out, your problems are about something else. See, Saddam, you not understand how to play totalitarian game. What you mean by letting all prisoners go? That so stupid."
"But I thought I would gain some support and sympathy - I mean they all voted for me last time and I love the Iraqi people for that. Really I do."
"Saddam, that your big problem. You have election, you let prisoners go, you allow people to make money and trade, you even have media in Baghdad. You let crazy Kurd run free in northeast, and I read just today you open border with Saudi Arabia!
"But Kim, I need my neighbors to be my allies! I have been a good trading partner, and want to show I can be even better. Plus, my weapons of mass destruction are decaying and it will cost a lot to get them back up to par. Inspectors will show I am sincere and buy time. I want to stay in power, and be invited into the great Saladin hall of fame. Is that so bad?"
"Look, Saddam. To show the U.S. you are sincere, you have to try the Kim Chong-il way. Take for example, what is happening today."
"Kim Chong-il has great deal with the West. U.S. pay for oil shipment into North Korea, and Kim Chong-il tell U.S. keep it coming."
"Kim Chong-il starve people good and get not just oil but nuclear reactor. Two of them from U.S., just delivered few months ago. Clinton made deal, but Bush good man for North Korea."
"Kim Chong-il tell ambassador to say to U.S. 'that, facing a growing nuclear threat from the U.S., we have the right to possess not only nuclear, but even more powerful weapons in order to defend our sovereignty and the right to survive."
"What not Saddam understand about how to play the game?"
"Kim, you are a good coach. Maybe I can try harder. But my UN Security Council left and center field are wavering, I think my catcher is on the take, my shortstop has a bad case of jock itch and we're running out of Tinactin. What if I just keep throwing balls and walking the Bush team. Will that work?"
"Saddam, you too good-hearted to play baseball the North Korean way. Strikes and beaners work best with the Americans. You also very weak on the trash talk. When Bush say North Korea is part of evil axis, Kim Chong-il say North Korea is evil axis. North Korea not need Iraq and Iran to be bad."
"Kim Chong-il advise Saddam go talk to Ted Williams' son about cryogenic process. Ted Williams great baseball player. Maybe Saddam have better luck next time around."
"Kim see many lights blinking, phone line crazy! Next up, Muamar Q. Mr. Q, how Kim Chong-il help you today?"
