Here's part 1 of my story of Jim vs Me:
I was sitting at my computer desk playing a game when I heard some paper rustling behind me. I didn't even have to look. I knew it was "Jim".
Several months ago, I went to BurgerKing and ordered a hamburger. When I got home, i found they had put cheese on it. I hate cheeseburgers so i set it down in my room and forgot about it. A month went by before I remembered the cheeseburger. I looked at my desk where i had laid it, and...it was gone. My cat must eaten it at some point. Oh well. Then strange things began to happen.
Apparently my ancient cheeseburger had molded into a new form of creature. It grew a large thick blue coat of fur with white fur as it's eyes. It began growing sharp teeth. It bit me the first time i tried to pet it. This is Jim.
Jim was ok at first, just crawling around. But he began to get on my nerves when the little punk would leave onion scraps (his crap) in my shoes. My feet would go in and i would hear a squish sound. Not only this, but he would cough up fur balls like my cat and leave them EVERYWHERE. I tried to take a drink from a coke i had left out for more than 10 minutes and i damn near puked when a fur ball slipped into my mouth. Another time I couldn't find my cat anywhere. Finally I heard some terrible hissing sound. I tracked the sound to a closet and found my cat backed into a corner with Jim growling at him like a dog. I kicked Jim aside and the cat, so happy that i had saved him, jumped on my face, blinding me, and knocking me backward to fall. Jim turned around and began walking toward me. Even though he was a little smaller than a rabbit, I was frozen with fear. At the last minute, I got up and ran out of the room and down the stairs. Although I didn't know it until about 30 minutes later, but he had wizzed on my stairs and i had slipped and bashed my head.
That night I set out mousetraps for Jim. During the night, I heard a crispy SNAP. I got up to investigate and found one of Jim's legs still wiggling in the trap. I knew he would be growing it back.
Enough was enough. I drove to McDonalds and got some frenchfries. I set them in my old empty aquarium (so Jim wouldn't assassinate them) and let them mold over for about 3 weeks. I talked to them often telling them of their mission. When they were ready, they were warrior frenchfries more than willing to obey every order i gave them. I told them to go kill Jim and don't leave a trace of him left. They hopped off armed with toothpicks (swords) and quarters (shields). During the night i heard horrible screaming and running in the walls and rooms of my house. The next morning I went in the living room and found dead, mutilated frenchfries lying dead all over the floor.
I picked them up and flushed them down the toilet (they stunk too bad being super-molded to be in the trash can). When i left the bathroom and looked down the hall...i spotted Jim. He was wearing my old sunglasses, a sweated-to-brown sock as a helmet, and in his hands...oh no...was a stiff-dead frenchfry that he was using as a war-club. I began to scream and backed up, only to hit the closet at the end of the hall. Slowly, Jim began walking toward me. I quickly looked for anything to hurt him with. I saw the bathroom and a bar of soap. Soap kills fungi right? Now's the time to find out...
I grabbed the bar of soap and faced Jim. We both screamed and jumped at each other...........
