French military history
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>> The Complete Military History of France: Not going to
>> play? Who Gives a Rat's Ass?
>>
>> * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
>> foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
>> France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
>>
>> * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
>> female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The
>> First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
>> victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
>>
>> * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and
>> only country to ever lose two wars when fighting
>> Italians.
>>
>> * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
>> Huguenots
>>
>> * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
>> participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims
>> a tie on the basis that eventually the other
>> participants started ignoring her.
>>
>> * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
>> red flowerpots as chapeaux.
>>
>> * The Dutch War - Tied
>>
>> * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
>> and Indian War -- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three
>> ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world
>> over to label the period as the height of French
>> military power.
>>
>> * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
>> gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
>> which they have loved every since.
>>
>> * American Revolution - In a move that will become
>> quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a
>> win even though the English colonists saw far more
>> action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome",
>> and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "
>> France only wins when America does most of the
>> fighting."
>>
>> * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that
>> the opponent was also French.
>>
>> * The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
>> (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
>> Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
>> footwear designer.
>>
>> * The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays
>> the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
>> alone on a Saturday night.
>>
>> * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France
>> is saved by the United States. Thousands of French
>> women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a
>> winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
>> Sadly, Widespread use of condoms by American forces
>> forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
>>
>> * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by
>> the United States and Britain just as they finish
>> learning the Horst Wessel Song.
>>
>> * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead
>> sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
>>
>> * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first
>> defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force
>> since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
>> Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
>> rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
>> Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese
>> and Esquimaux.
>>
>> * War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its
>> recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just
>> to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
>> ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
>>
>> The question for any country silly enough to count on
>> the French should not be "Can we count on the
>> French?", but rather "How long until France
>> collapses?"
